


This isn't our world

by mayalice



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fake Dating, I am ignoring the fact that all the heroes are on the same earth now, Maybe they aren't, Post-Crisis on Infinite Earths Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Slow Burn, Sort Of, apparently, maybe they are, we will see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 15:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayalice/pseuds/mayalice
Summary: “Let me get this straight. This-” she gestures toward the two of them “isn’t real. We are in a reality created by my brother, who is evil and wants… world domination I suppose?”Or the one where everyone believes Lena and Kara are dating. Including Lena.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 289
Kudos: 1264





	1. Chapter 1

When she opens her eyes, it’s to the warm feeling of another body pressed against her’s. There are soft arms wrapped around her, and Kara knows this touch, know these hands, would recognize the scent of this shampoo anywhere, but this is all wrong, all wrong, all wrong because any world where Lena Luthor is in her bed, isn’t her own. Kara needs to wake up. She needs to figure out what’s happening. She needs to get out of this bed and find her way back home, but her pillow is so soft, and Kara still feels drained and lightheaded and she can’t bring herself to pull away just yet. 

She is wide awake when a soft kiss is pressed to her hair. Kara sits up, startled, and almost drills a hole in her bedroom wall with her heat vision before Lena’s hands are on her, bringing her back to reality. 

“It’s okay. You are okay. You are home” 

Kara’s body relaxes slowly, but she is still confused, still disoriented and she is absolutely unprepared to the sight of Lena, with her curly hair, and tenderness to her expression Kara never saw before.

This can’t be her Lena. (A Lena who knows and there is no trace of betrayal in her eyes, a Lena who Knows and still loves her).

“Did you have a bad dream?” Lena’s fingers are brushing her hair, and there are so many feeling breaking through the surface now, so many things Kara didn’t know she wants, didn’t even dare to wish for. Lena smiles at her like she is still her favorite person in the world and it hurts in a way she can't even begin to describe. This feels like being under the effect of the Black Mercy all over again, like finding herself in a dream she didn’t know she had. And what she does next is only partly selfish, because she wants Lena to hold her for a little while longer, even if it’s not real, but she also needs to know if there is a part of Lena that remembers. 

“The world ended” she raises her eyes to meet Lena’s, looking for any sign of recognition. Her voice is shaking now, the grief of watching her world falling apart for the second time hitting her all of a sudden and a quiet sob escapes her lips. ”It was so horrible Lena, the world ended and you hated me, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye”. 

Lena tightens her grip on her.

“Shh, it was just a dream. The world is doing just fine,” she makes a small hand gesture toward the street outside the bedroom window, and smiles softly at Kara “and you know I could never hate you”, her eyes are warm and sincere and Kara wants to cry. She wants to scream and punch whoever is responsible for this new kind of torture. Instead, she finds herself giving in to Lena’s touch, letting her hands keep her from falling apart.

Lena is the one who pulls away eventually. “I'm sorry I didn't wake you up sooner", she says, her eyes filled with apology. "If I knew… you looked so peaceful I could barely bring myself to wake you up, but we really need to be at the ceremony in twenty minutes”. Kara has no idea what ceremony is she talking about, but she doesn’t think bringing this up is her best move, so she just nods and proceeds to scan her apartment for anything that might give her a clue to what kind of twisted reality she had fallen into.

If Lena’s presence wouldn't have given her a pause, Kara would have been definitely sure this is the right apartment in the right earth. Everything looks the same. Except Lena is everywhere. A three pieces suit is folded neatly on the chair next to kara’s bed, there is a pair of heels that definitely aren’t Kara’s on the floor, a toothbrush and expensive shampoo bottles and Lena’s favorite wine and a dozen other little mundane items are spread all over the apartment, but the thing that takes Kara’s breath away is the picture laid on her coffee table. Judging by their clothes, it was taken on the same day the picture Kara remembers from her real apartment was taken, except it clearly wasn't the same day, because Kara thinks she would have remembered Lena kissing her like that.

She stares at it for longer than necessary, and then, realizing she isn’t going to figure this out if she stays in bed, she finally gets up. There is a formal dress hanging on her bedroom door that she doesn’t remember buying, and Kara speeds into it and tries to fight the beginning of a panic attack, and think of some sort of a plan. (Get out of this apartment. Find Alex. Figure out if anyone else remembers). 

A big piece of the puzzle is revealed, when she stands in front of the mirror, trying to decide what kind of makeup this mysterious ceremony requires. 

"You know, I'm kind of excited.” Lena’s voice comes through the bathroom door, “a little pissed off that the bastard beat me up to it, but not every day your brother wins a Nobel prize, right?" and Kara can feel the neurons in her brain fire, the memories of the past few- day? Months? coming back in full force, and of course, Lex is behind this, of course this is just another one of his plans because apparently, even death is just a tiny inconvenience for a Luthor.

"Is everything okay? You are awfully quiet this morning”

Lena steps back into the room and Kara takes in the sight of her, in a tight red dress and full makeup and still bare feet. This is her sign to come clean, to explain Lena all of this isn’t real and hope she wouldn’t think Kara has absolutely lost her mind. Hope there is still enough of her Lena in this stranger, that looks at her now with so much love and concern that Kara can barely handle it.

“I heard you had a run-in with a White Martian yesterday, are you still feeling weak?” 

Kara swallows. “Yeah, I guess I’m still feeling a little bit off. Big day eh?” There is a voice in Kara’s head that whispers _liar_. It sounds awfully like Lena. Her Lena. The Lena in front of her still looks concerned, but she seems satisfied with this answer. 

Kara’s phone buzzes on the bedside table, and she grabs it to find a series of frantic text from Nia, who is doing her best to save their seats, and distract Andrea from the fact that Kara is running late again. 

Kara sigh. She is a little relieved that things at CatCo seem to be the same, but not quite ready to be Kara Danvers the reporter just yet. However, going to the ceremony and seeing what else she can learn about this new world seems like her best course of action at the moment. 

Lena looks at her, her eyebrow raised in question. 

“It’s Nia. She is saving our seats. But I really need to get there before Andrea freaks out” 

“Do you mind if I take advantage of the perks of dating a superhero and tag along?  Traffic is horrible this time of day and Lex would never let it go if I’d miss his big moment."

_Dating a superhero_. Kara's stomach is doing a weird little flip. 

“Not at all” 

She is in fact kind of nervous. She doesn’t usually take people flying with her when there isn’t an emergency involved, let alone people who are supposed to hate her but seems to be convinced they are dating her for some reason, but Lena fits in her arms as if flying with Kara is her usual way of transportation and they are taking their seats in the auditorium just a few moments later.

When Lex enters the room, it takes Kara all her energy not to try and take him down right then and there. To wipe that arrogant smile off his face and push him into a wall, or possibly into space. Everyone else seems oblivious to the fact that something is wrong and she doesn’t want to cause a scene. Doesn’t want Lex to know she remembers before she would come up with a more elaborate plan than punching him in the face. 

If she thought her visit to the DEO would ease her mind, she couldn't be more wrong.

Alex is no help. She looks concerned when Kara starts babbling about the multiverse and Nobel prizes and Lena in her bed and then offers to run a full physical exam to make sure there is nothing wrong with her brain.

"You are still recovering from a pretty bad concussion, so it makes sense if you are still a little confused, but just to be on the safe side”. For a split second, Kara wonders if Alex is right. If there is a simple explanation to all of this and she is going to wake up tomorrow and this new world won’t feel so strange anymore, but then, Lex enters the DEO to a round of applause and Kara knows she hasn’t lost her mind. The reason for her misery is standing right there, acting like he owns the place and Kara is overcome with nausea. She is quick to make her way out before Lex notices something is wrong, muttering to Alex to forget she said anything, she is fine, just need to rest, in fact, she is going home to rest right now, before she takes off. 

She is on her own. Kara doesn’t know how to do this by herself, doesn’t know where to even start. _Start with what you know_ , she thinks. But what does she know? Lex is evil. Lex is evil and he somehow wrote everyone into a new reality where he is the hero, and whatever he is planning, it’s not good. She needs to find out more. She spends hours on her couch, doing online research and reading every piece of information she can find. The world isn’t much different from the one she remembers. History changed and shifted to fit Lex’s new narrative, which mostly means he took the credit for every major victory they had, every life Supergirl saved, and Kara can barely contain the rage she is feeling. There are small changes as well. Restaurants she doesn’t remember opening, articles she doesn’t remember writing. Pictures from a life she doesn’t remember living. _Spotted, Lex Luthor and Clark Kent cheering the Metropolis Metros. Spotted Supergirl taking down a White Martian. Spotted, Kara Danvers giving a speech at the Pulitzer ceremony. "_ Accepting the award for public service on behalf of CatCo magazine, Danvers gave a heartwarming speech about the importance of seeking out the truth." _Spotted, Lena Luthor looking at rings, are wedding bells on the horizon for our favorite power couple?_ this article is from a couple of months back and Kara stares at her bare finger for a long moment and wonders. She doesn’t answer Lena’s texts. She can’t lie to her. not again. especially not now when she is starting to realize she is most likely still her Lena, and not some parallel universe doppelganger. A Lena with altered memories, but still.

She doesn’t know what she is supposed to do. She can’t pretend that everything is normal,  can’t fall back into a relationship that never really existed, no matter how easy it is, no matter how every part of her body begs her to just let herself have it. She can’t use Lena like this. She also can’t make any rash decision, like breaking up with her, can’t risk Lex figuring out what’s happening and losing the little advantage she has for managing to stay discreet. 

She has to tell her the truth, needs to tell her everything and hope that even if she can’t make her remember, she can still make her believe her. Hope that she would still be on her side. 

As expected, Lena is at her door a few hours later. Kara waits for her there, because she thinks it’s safer to do it in a place that isn’t Luthor property, far away from potential eavesdroppers and she knows sooner or later Lena would be there to check in on her.

When Lena lets herself in, she finds Kara waiting for her in the kitchen with an open bottle of wine. Kara hands her a glass and can see something hardening in Lena’s expression like she is bracing herself for bad news. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Lena takes a sit in front of her, trying to meet Kara’s eyes. Kara looks down. at the table, at the floor, anywhere but Lena’s direction. 

“Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me, you know that, right?” 

Kara takes a deep breath. “There is something I need to tell you. Something you need to know, and it might sound crazy, but you have to believe me”

“Kara, you are starting to scare me, what’s wrong?”

“This isn’t real”

“This?”

“This reality, you and me, everything, it’s not real”

“you are not making any sense now kara, do I need to call Alex? maybe your head needs to be checked after all”

“Don’t” Kara grabs Lena’s hand before she manages to get to her phone with a little more force than she intended to. 

“I’m sorry, just, don’t call her, please. I know how it sounds but just listen to me first, okay?”

Lena puts her phone away. “Okay”

“This morning, the dream I told you about, it wasn’t a dream exactly. There was a crisis, an antimatter wave that destroyed everything in its way and wiped out all the worlds. A group of other heroes and I worked together to save it, and I thought we did, but then I woke up here and it’s… different. Everything is upside down and people’s memories are not the same and you and me, you and me… where I come from you hate me. I wasn’t the one who told you I am Supergirl, I was a coward and I waited too long and by the time I gathered the courage to tell you, you already knew, your brother told you and it was too late. I’m sorry Lena, but Lex, your mother, I don’t know what you remember here, but they are not who they say they are, they are not good people. They hurt you so many times, they manipulated and used you and now I think that Lex is behind all of this, he did something to your memories, to everyone's memories and I don’t know what he is planning but it’s not good. “

Lena’s face is blank. Like she hasn’t quite decided yet if she thinks Kara is crazy or not. She empties her glass and pours herself another with calm, steady hands. 

“Let me get this straight. This-” she gestures toward the two of them “isn’t real. We are in a reality created by my brother, who is evil and wants… world domination I suppose?” 

Kara nods. 

“Look, there are two options here Kara, and I’m not fond of any of them. Either there is something really wrong with you, something that makes you believe in this crazy story. Or you are telling the truth, and everything I know, everything I believe in isn’t true.” 

“I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to take, and I hate to be the one to burst your happy bubble, but you are the smartest person I know. If anyone can notice something is wrong with this world it’s you. Think Lena. Can you be absolutely sure what you remember is the truth? don’t you have any gaps in your memory? anything you can’t explain?” 

There is a part of her that is ready to accept it. A part of her that just knows. Happiness never felt quite right on her shoulders. Lena can feel it now. The way her memory is foggy around the edges. All the major events in her life are lined up perfectly in front of her, but they are superficial, colorless. She remembers the first time she kissed kara, but she can't grab the memory, can't focus on it for too long before it fades away. How did her lips felt like that day? What was she wearing to their first date? What side of the bed does she sleep on? When did she tell her she is Supergirl? she remembers a red light on her alien detector device, remembers Kara taking off her glasses and smiling at her nervously, but there is another memory behind it, one that sends a chill down her spine before it fades away. A wave of panic washes over her. She has to go. If what Kara is saying is true, she is going to need space and something stronger than red wine to work through this. 

The expression on Lena’s face tells Kara all she needs to know. She did it. She was able to get through to her. Relief spreads across Kara’s body follows by a sudden urge to hug Lena. To hold her in her arms and tell her that maybe things aren’t as happy as she remembers, but Lena is strong, and she makes the best of it. She always does. But before she manages to reach out to her, Lena turns around and leaves. 

At home, Lena opens a bottle of whiskey and pours herself a glass, and then another. She waits for it to take effect, waits for her muscles to relax a bit and the knot in her belly to loosen up before she grabs a legal pad and starts scribbling things down.

_Things I know are true in any universe:_

1\. My name is Lena Kieran Luthor. 

2\. Kara Danvers is Supergirl.

3\. I am in love with Kara Danvers.

She looks at her list and then puts a question mark after the last item. Then erases it. Then scribble it again. She pours herself another glass. Two hours and a couple more glass later, Lena has five pages full of notes in progressively messier handwriting. Her thoughts are all over the place, jumping from subject to subject, and each new line of thoughts just opens more questions.

_ Things I don’t know:  _

1\. Is Kara telling the truth?

2\. Is there really something wrong with my memories?

3\. Is Lex evil?

Lena loves Lex. But she also knows him. She watched his little obsession with Superman grows over the years, watched as he turned his hero complex into a career, watched as he made everyone believe in him. To the rest of the world, he might be Lex Luthor the hero, but he is still the most manipulative person Lena knows. If someone can be behind something like this it's him.

_ Evidence to support Kara’s claim: _

1\. Foggy memory 

Sure, her memory is pretty foggy, but isn’t it just a classic case of confirmation bias? After all, she didn’t notice anything was wrong with her memory before Kara brought that up. What is the last thing she remembers with absolute clarity? she remembers her childhood, remembers her mother, remembers Lilian's cold shoulder and Lex's warm embrace, her father's eyes. She remembers boarding school and college and starting to work with Lex. Remembers opening her own company with Jack,  But then what? everything after that is a little bit foggy, a little bit jumbled in her mind. She knows she left Metropolis to join Lex, vaguely remembers arguing with Jack about it. But she can't remember why she made that decision. It doesn't sound like her, to leave her own company just to work in Lex's shadow, but she remembers how sure she was that moving is the right thing to do, and now she wonders if this memory is even real at all. But how can her memory be even altered like that, let alone the memory of every person in the world? 

__ _Things that can cause the whole world to believe in a fake reality_ : ???

_ Things that can cause a Kryptonian to lose her mind: _

1.Red kryptonite

2\. Alien diseases (Possibly)

3\. Black Mercy. 

None of these options sounds right. Lena would have known. Crazy story aside, when she looks back at the way Kara acted today, she doesn’t find any evidence for anything mentally wrong with her. Kara didn’t look sick or possessed or anything like that. Lena looked into her eyes and saw nothing but truth in them. She tosses her notes aside. She doesn’t need them. Not really. She already knows the answer in her heart. 

Kara is trying really hard not to freak out. It has been hours since she heard from Lena. Hours since she walked out without so much as an explanation. And Kara isn’t sure what to make of it. Does she just need some time to process everything? Did she remember? Does she hate her again? Did she run straight to Lex? She didn’t go after her, didn’t try to stop her, and now she is starting to regret her decision to give her space. Sitting and waiting around is unbearable. She spends most of the night patrolling around the city, looking for any minor disturbance to distract her from her worries, but National city is awfully quiet.

There is still light in Lena’s window. Kara doesn’t know if it’s a good or a bad sign. Somewhere in her twenty-seventh round around the city, Lena’s penthouse goes dark, and Kara finally calls it a night and tries to get some sleep. There is no logical reason for her bed to feel so empty. 

She wakes up just a few hours later, to the sound of movement outside her door. Kara doesn’t need her X-Ray vision to know who is standing on the other side. She rushes to open her door and finds Lena standing frozen in her place with a key in her hand like she isn’t sure if she should knock or not. Her expression is hard to read. Loss and hopelessness and something that might be determination all mixed together, and she looks more like her Lena now in a way that makes Kara’s heart break a little. Lena's lips tremble as she opens her mouth to speak. 

“I believe you”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as mayalice18, and as mayainwritingland on Instagram.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update!  
> Thank you for your lovely kudos and comments on the first chapter, I'm still kind of in awe that I managed to write something with plot and dialogue and more than one chapter and it's nice to know there are people out there that want to know what happens next in this story as much as I do.

Lena hasn’t said a word since Kara let her inside. She follows her to into the kitchen, her posture a little stiff, her expression a little unsure, like she doesn’t know if she is allowed to feel comfortable around her. Kara offers her coffee, just to have something to do with her hands, and Lena nods and watches silently as she tries to figure out how to operate the espresso machine she apparently owns in this world. It must be Lena's because Kara doesn’t really need coffee, rarely ever drink it in the privacy of her own apartment (She is much more of a hot chocolate kind of person), and for a moment she thinks how often Lena must be staying here to justify her own espresso machine and she can’t breathe). 

Lena sips her coffee slowly, like it can magically give her the energy to get through this conversation. (There is not enough coffee in the world for that.) There are dark circles under her eyes, red lipstick stands in contrast to her pale face, and Kara has an urge to tell her their conversation can wait. and make sure she gets some rest first. But they don’t really have time for that, right? 

“I’m sorry,” she says when both their mugs are half empty and Lena still avoids looking at her. She isn’t sure what she is sorry for this time. For bursting her happy bubble? For not being who she needs her to be? for having the chance to have this, to be happy, and messing it up so terribly? (If she was just honest with Lena from the start. If she had the courage to tell her the truth).

“It’s not your fault” Lena’s voice is dry. A week ago Kara would have given up everything to hear her say that, but it absolutely is her fault. She failed her. She failed everyone and she has no idea how to even begin to fix it. (Maybe there isn’t enough yellow sun to get her through this conversation either). 

“So… you said you believe me” it seems like the safest place to start. 

“I do” Lena states, like it’s that simple, like she didn’t storm out of her apartment last night ,like Kara asked her to believe something absolutely mundane and not even a little bit life-changing.

“don’t get me wrong, because I’m so happy that you are here, believing me and all that, but… what convinced you?” 

Lena doesn’t answer right away. She gets up and for a moment Kara is afraid she is going to leave again, but she just takes her, now empty mug and puts it in the sink, then pour herself a glass of water before sitting back at the table. 

“I was up all night, trying to wrap my head around it, to find the missing piece that might explain all of this, but...” She takes a sip of her water and turns to look at Kara, her eyes shiny with tears, “in the end I realized I don’t need more proofs, I know you, Kara. I believe you”.

She looks at her with so much trust in her eyes that it catches Kara off guard. When was the last time Lena looked at her like that? When was their last real moment before everything starts to fall apart? 

“Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me, to have your trust again”

Lena reaches out and lays her hand on Kara’s arm. The movement is hesitant, her fingers barely brushing the fabric of Kara’s shirt for a brief moment, but it still manages to send waves of electricity down Kara’s spine. 

“I understand that things went wrong between us in your world, but in this one. you’ve never given me a reason not to believe in you. My brother on the other hand...” 

“Still," there is a part of Kara that wants to protest, a part of her that wants to shake Lena until she would finally remember, and go back to hating her. "it can’t be easy, to believe everything I said about him, about your life, when the world you know is so different”. 

“Honestly? it feels like I was sleepwalking and now I’m finally starting to wake up, thank you, for telling me the truth. "

Relief spreads across Kara's body. Kara knows Lena, knows how much the truth means to her, knows she would rather wake up to this nightmare than live in a lie. She felt so selfish, forcing Lena to wake up from this perfect reality because she wasn’t strong enough to deal with it on her own, but here she is, reminding her this is exactly what she needed.

“Of course” it comes out a little breathless, the air around them charged with everything she doesn’t say. 

“I’m glad. I mean, I’m not glad glad, I mean, I’m not thrilled that you found out that your life is a lie, butI’m glad that you are getting back to yourself”. Kara babbles. 

Lena nods at her. She isn't smiling, but there is something familiar in the way she looks at Kara. It looks a lot like the slightly amused gaze she and Alex used to share over her head at game nights, after watching Kara eat a whole box of potstickers in five minutes. The "she is a nerd but she is our nerd" gaze. It makes Kara’s heart skip a beat, makes her whole body warm, as every nerve in it is being filled with a sensation she can’t name. 

Kara absolutely has no time to sort out whatever it is. She clears her throat. 

“Are you going to help me figure out what’s going on?” Her voice comes out smaller than she intended, almost like a beg. 

The look on Lena’s face is conflicted. 

“Kara” there is brokenness to her voice that reminds Kara of the day at the fortress. She forces herself to shove away the memory and focus on the woman in front of her. 

“I want to help, I do, but… that’s not why I came here today” 

“Why did you come here?” Kara’s voice is rich with curiosity. Lena looks at her like she is the dumbest person in the world. 

“I am here because the woman I love just told me our relationship was never real, and my brother might be a danger to the world and I need to get some answers before...” Lena’s voice trails off but Kara gets what she means. God, maybe she is the dumbest person in the world. 

“of course. I’ll tell you anything, what do you want to know?” 

She tries not to think about the way Lena just called her. Or how much she likes the sound of it. 

Lena pauses. There are so many questions running through her head, she has a whole list of them, back home, but now she can’t even think of one question to ask. Everything she was so desperate to know yesterday, sounds silly now. But Lena needs clarity. Lena needs facts, even if they don’t matter to anyone but her. 

“You said I hate you in the real world, but before that, before I found out, what was I for you?”

Not a girlfriend, she presumes. But something. 

“You are my best friend” Kara’s voice is soft, and she is beaming at her, eyes shining like a tiny galaxy. Best friends. She can live with that, Lena thinks. Kara is her best friend after all. She is so much more than that, there are better adjectives at the tip of her tongue, partner, soulmate, everything, but she wasn’t always those things to her, right? There was a time, not so long ago, where she thought friendship is all she can wish for. Maybe this world isn't so different after all.

“And we never…” Lena thinks she knows the answer already, but she is curious, and she is fond of the way Kara’s cheeks turn slightly pink. 

“Nope. Never” 

Kara seems lost in her thoughts for a long moment. 

“I don’t get it”, she says eventually

“What?” 

“Lex’s motives. Putting himself as a Nobel prize winner, and the director of the DEO I understand, but why would he need us together?”

Lena has her theory. She spent the better part of last night staring at her bedroom ceiling and wondering about just that. Why would Lex do that? If he really is the bad guy here, wouldn’t he want her and Kara as farther apart from each other as possible?

“Maybe he didn’t do it,” She says quietly. “Not intentionally at least” 

“What do you mean?”

“It’s most likely just a side effect of all the other changes in the timeline” 

“Oh” Kara’s forehead wrinkles and Lena knows she must be thinking about all the ways this reality needs to be different for them to end up together. She doesn’t look opposed to the idea, just curious, perhaps. 

“How long have we know each other here?” She asks. 

“I met Supergirl the day we moved Luthor-Corp headquarter to National City and took over the DEO. Kara a little bit after that, when you came to interview me, so, about three years?” 

“Yeah, three years sounds about right. That’s when you took over L-Corp and moved to National City after Lex went to prison” 

Lena doesn’t really know how to process this new information, so she focuses on something else, a question that burns her throat for the past few minutes. 

“And all this time I didn’t know the truth about you?” 

Lena can’t wrap her mind around it. It’s hard to believe there is a world where she can possibly not know something so integral to who Kara is, and still be considered her best friend. 

“not until recently, no” 

Lena can feel the beginning of a headache. There is a feeling that isn’t entirely hers somewhere deep down, something dark and ugly that raises its head inside her. 

“When did you find out?” 

Kara’s eyes are full of regret. Lena isn’t sure how she feels about that. Her mind doesn’t feel like it belongs to her anymore. 

“I had my suspicion when I first met you” the memory feels so far away, and yet so close. 

“you did?” the surprise is clear on Kara’s face and Lena nods.

“I wasn’t sure, but I had a hunch and I stayed up all night, planning an alien detection device, it’s a device that-” kara cuts her off. 

“yeah, I know what you're talking about” 

“So, I guess the device worked perfectly here?” Lena raises an eyebrow at that. 

“I might have fried it with my heat vision in real life?” she looks suddenly embarrassed. “Never mind” 

A part of her wants to laugh. Another one wants to strangle Kara. 

“So I just let you found out?” Kara sounds bewildered, like the idea of letting Lena know the truth is so alien to her. It hurts. 

“you waited for the light to turn red like we both know it would, and then you smiled at me, and say you have something to tell me and took off your glasses” 

Lena isn’t sure why she bothers telling her that. She just knows it’s important. Even if it was never real. The fact that there is a reality where Kara trusted her from the very beginning, It matters.

Oh. Kara wondered about that day. Wondered if it was a test she wasn’t supposed to pass. If there was a part of Lena that knew then. She thinks about the dozens of opportunities she had to tell Lena. Maybe not that day, it was too soon, she didn’t know if she could trust her yet, but over the years Lena had proven again and again that she is trustworthy and kara still found every excuse not to tell her the truth. Not until it was too late.

  
  


“Were we happy?”

Kara doesn’t really know why she asks this. Maybe it’s just the masochistic part of her that wants to rub some more salt on her wounds. Wants her to know exactly what she lost.

“Yeah. We were happy. Really happy” Lena says softly. Like she knows exactly why Kara is asking her this. 

It’s incredibly painful, hearing how differently things could go. Kara is tired of regretting. She made her choice, for good or for bad. Having to face her mistakes again and again...it’s just cruel at this point. 

She wishes she could talk to Alex. Alex always knows what to say to make her feel better. She thought about telling her. Was so close to just call and ask her to come over and attempt to explain everything, but Alex would be safer not knowing. She is working too close to Lex and Kara can't bear the thought of something happening to her because Kara has selfishly woken her up for a sister's talk. The only reason she decided to tell Lena, is because as a potential target for whatever horror Lex is planning, telling Lena might actually be safer than leaving her vulnerable to Lex's manipulation. And Lena knows a thing or two about keeping her feelings to herself. Kara knows that better than anyone, but telling anyone else? That might be too risky at this point.

_

"Do you think we should umm…" Kara bites her lips, looking for the nicest way to say it and settles on "break up?", sending an apologetic look in Lena's direction. It's a little later, once both their schedules are cleared for the morning, and they finished to fill each other in on the important stuff that happened on their respective realities, and move on to plan their next step.

They don’t really have any information to put on an investigation board yet, like Kara half-jokingly suggested, but Kara finds an empty notebook and a fancy looking pen and hands them to Lena, who nods approvingly and starts making a list. 

_How to stop a megalomaniac Supervillain:_

_1\. keep a low profile._

They both agreed that if they want to have any chance against Lex, they have to make him think everything is normal while they try to figure out what he is planning. Which means Kara Would have to accept the fact that Lex is a hero now, and her boss and act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with this picture. 

It also means they need to figure out what to do with their own little situation before someone notices they are not acting like their usual in love selves. 

For a split second, Kara can see how much she hurt Lena with this question, but Lena's mask is back on before Kara manages to take it back. She is silent for a moment and Kara knows she is carefully calculating all the possibilities.

"We can't," she says eventually. "At least not right away. It would be too suspicious, we would just have to pretend nothing changed". She doesn't look too happy about it. 

And Kara can do that, right? Hold Lena’s hand in public, go on a couple of dinner dates, look at Lena like she hangs the moon. That shouldn’t be a problem. They only need to hold this act for a little while anyway, until it's would be safe for them to naturally break up, and they might be able to stop Lex before that, so… how hard can it be? Except Lena looks absolutely miserable when Kara asks about sleeping arrangements and first dates and all the things she would have remembered if their relationship was real. She is crossing her hands over her chest as if to keep herself guarded, and Kara’s heart aches for her. They set some boundaries. No kissing. No touching, unless they are in public. Not confusing one world with the other. Kara knows her way around keeping boundaries. She isn't exactly new to the superhero life, but setting boundaries between her and Lena… it feels like going back to square one. But she can see Lena is hurting, and she wants to make it easy on her. She wants to be the best, most considerate fake girlfriend there is, and if it means keeping a safe distance for now, she will happily do it. 

They don’t get a lot past the first item on the list. They need more information, need to find out what they are up against, but they don’t really know where to start. Lex is no fool. Even if he believes them to be completely clueless, he isn’t going to leave any evidence laying around where they could easily find them. Maybe their best option is to lay low and wait for his next move? Lena speaks about strategic thinking and playing the long game, but Kara doesn’t like it. It makes her feel helpless.

“We can't make any sudden moves" Lena protests when Kara suggests they should confront Lex after all. "It’s not like we can go to dinner tonight, congratulate him on his Nobel prize and ask if he happens to have an evil plan to take over the world", there is a little smile at the corner of Lena's lips, like there is a part of her that finds this incredibly amusing. 

"We have to consider our steps carefully if we want any chance at all against him” she adds, and it's softer this time, her eyes meeting Kara's for a long, charged moment. 

Kara knows she is right. She still doesn't like it. Then her mind process Lena's words fully.

“Dinner?” 

"Right, you don’t know. My mom is throwing Lex a "congratulation on your Nobel prize" celebration at his house tonight. Nothing too fancy, just a couple of world leaders and a private chef, you know my mother, modesty isn't really her style". 

Kara feels her stomach drops. 

“You can say that” 

Tonight. She would have to face Lillian and Lex tonight and pretend they are all a big happy family. Kara feels like she is going to be sick. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm mayalice18 on Tumblr, Mayainwritingland on Instagram, feel free to come and talk to me =)


	3. Chapter 3

  
Kara isn't sure what exactly she was expecting for Lex's house to look like, but it's not this. It's a penthouse, in one of the highest buildings in the city, because of course it is, and every part of it is well decorated and ridiculously expensive, but it lacks the creepy vibe she remembers from the mansion, with all the dark corridors and oil portraits. The living room is well lighted with a modern-looking chandelier and at least half a dozen lamps, and she can see all the lights of the city through the big, wide windows. It’s breathtaking. Even for someone who uses to see the city from above. There is a grand piano in the corner of the room and an enormous bookcase that makes Kara’s eyes go wide. The feeling it gives her isn't warmth exactly, but It's been a while since she thought about Lex as a person, as someone that was once a caring loving brother, who collected all those books and taught Lena how to play chess on the very chessboard she spots on the coffee table and it's not that she has a soft place in her heart for him, but for so long she was only able to see him the way the world saw him, the way Clark saw him. Lex Luthor, Crazy and dangerous and beyond repair, and now she wonders if there was a time in his life where this wasn't the case. 

She is wearing a dress Lena picked out for her. It's black and too tight and makes her a little uncomfortable, but Lena insists they have a reputation to keep as the hottest power couple in the city, and this can't be a real title, let alone one that Kara is attached to, but she knows to pick her battles. She feels like a fish out of water either way. She doesn't know anyone of the guests, but she is pretty sure all their names start with "Doctor", all well dressed and smelled of money and self-importance. Kara doesn't even have her Pulitzer to show off in this reality, and there is a part of her that wishes for a small emergency, so she could change into her super suit and feel powerful again. Lena sends her a reassuring look as if she can sense how Kara feels and her fingers brush against Kara's arm in what must be an automatic gesture as if they had done it million times before. She catches herself a moment later, hand freezes mid-movement, but she doesn't let go of Kara's arm, just keeps holding her close to her, as she greets the other guests. It's grounding, the way Lena's touch always is, and it helps eases some of Kara’s panic, helps her make the blur of sounds and faces into something she can navigate through. 

Lex's eyes are on them the moment they enter the room, and if Kara wasn't so intimidated by him, she would have stopped to appreciate the way his gaze jumps between the two of them, eyebrow raised like he can't quite believe what he sees. His shock only lasts for a split second, before his mask slips back on and a wide smile spreads on his face. 

Lex graciously accepts the wine bottle Lena offers him and nods politely at Kara.  
His muscles visibly relax when he sees the label, and the smile he gives Lena is a little more genuine now. It’s Lex’s favorite. The one he found on a special farm in french when he studied abroad, and it took Lena a questionable amount of money and Kara’s help to get it.   
He seems genuinely touched by the gesture.  
“You remembered”  
Of course I did. What are sisters for?”   
Kara is taken aback by how much of a good actress Lena is. Because she can hear her heart pounding, can feel the way her chest trembles with every breath she takes, but when she speaks her voice is light and soft and she has this tiny smirk on, that makes Kara feel suddenly warm, and Lex has no choice but to fall for it. 

The meeting with Lillian goes a little less smoothly. She welcomes Kara with nothing but a cold smile, and there is something almost comforting about how familiar it feels. There is a part of her that even finds the fact that Lillian doesn’t approve of her relationship with Lena in every single timeline slightly hilarious. This is something Kara can do. Something she knows how to handle. But she can feel the way Lena tenses beside her, the way she clings to Kara’s arm in a force that would have been painful if kara was human, and she looks at her questioningly when Lillian is out of hearing range.

“What was that about?”   
  
Lena leads them into a quieter corner of the room before she speaks. 

“My mother isn’t exactly our biggest fan” 

“Yeah, I think the death glare was pretty telling” Lena snorts. 

“But why?” Kara continues, “I thought that she is on board with the whole Super-Luthor partnership in this world”

“it’s not about you being an alien” Lena says quietly, “It’s about you being a woman.”

“Oh”

“Yeah,” There is a sadness to Lena’s voice, and Kara fights the urge to cup her face with her hand, to do something, anything to take away this feeling from her. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think… I guess it makes sense she has issues with it”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault”. Kara nods, and there is a long moment where they just start at each other, breathing each other’s air before Kara abruptly takes a step back. Too soon too soon too soon.  
“So what about that private chef you promised me?”

The food is incredible. It's the only reason why she is here, the only way Lena was able to convince her a night of pretending is better than just coming up with a reasonable excuse for Kara’s absence. Lena wasn’t joking about the private chef and Kara’s mouth starts watering from just looking at all the different options in front of her. She is on her second plate of what might be the best potstickers in the multiverse when she notices Lillian is staring at her with clear disapproval on her face. She has this "you are not good enough for my daughter" look, lip tight and nothing but disdain in her eyes and it makes Kara's blood bubble, makes her want to lean closer to Lena just to spite her, makes her want to prove her wrong. She is a real-life superhero for Rao's sake, isn't it enough for her?

"Lena dear, have you met Stevan?” Lillian ignores Kara’s presence entirely as she approaches Lena with a handsome looking man on her side “His study on Q-waves just won a grant for a groundbreaking research, I'm sure you two would have a lot to talk about"   
Lena nods politely to the man at Lillian’s right, (who at least has the decency to look slightly embarrassed) and follows his attempt for small talk, all while holding Kara close to her in a way that can hardly be considered friendly. Lillian's lips form a thin line. Good.

They settle into one of the couches. Kara with a full plate, and Lena with what must be her third glass of wine (though Kara makes sure she gets some food into her stomach as well, so she calls it a win). The couch turns out to be the type of furniture that was only designed to look good, and not for actual use and Kara struggles to find a comfortable position. Beside her, Lena is rubbing her left shoulder with a look of pain on her face. She notices Kara looking at her and drops her hand bashfully. “Falling asleep in my living room last night wasn’t my best call, I’m still a little stiff” she explains.   
“Let me” Kara blurts out before she can stop herself. It’s inappropriate, she knows that, but it’s not against the rules technically. They are here to convince people they are a couple after all, why shouldn't Lena take advantage of the situation and get a decent back rub?  
She notices the hesitation in Lena’s eyes and adds “Did I ever tell you back rubbing is one of my superpowers? you can ask Alex”

Lena just looks at her for a long breath.  
“Yes, I know” she shifts closer to Kara in one quick movement. Like she is trying not to second guess herself.   
Kara places her hands on her shoulders, and Lena shivers. She quietly removes her hands.  
“Sorry” Lena’s heart is pounding. Or maybe it’s just her own heart. Kara can’t be completely sure about it at the moment  
“It’s fine, just...” Lena motions her to keep going. She puts her hands on Lena’s shoulders again, slowly this time, and starts massaging her back gently. Sensing how stiff her muscles are. Trying to place just enough force to release the tension there without hurting her.  
After a few minutes Kara can feel Lena relaxing, can feel her posture changes as she gives in to her touch. Lena completely melts under her fingers and Kara wants them to stay right where they are, wants Lena this close and this vulnerable, wants her to stay hers.

It’s a bad idea. Lena knows it the moment it comes out of Kara’s mouth. Knows it when Kara barely touches her and her body reacts involuntarily, knows it when she starts to rub her shoulders and Lena feels like she is sinking sinking sinking. She feels pathetic. Craving the touch of a woman that was never really hers, but a part of her, (the one with the direct connection to the nerves under Kara’s hands) just couldn’t care less. It’s good for the plan though, and this is more than enough for Lena to give in to her selfish needs. Because people are looking. Lex is looking. One of the waitresses is clearly taking pictures and they are probably going to be trending on Tumblr again by the end of the night. There is no better way to send the world a message that they are still very much in love and clueless.   
"Is it okay?" Kara whispers. (Her mother’s eyes are still on them, looking at Lena like she is a disgrace to the family name.)   
“perfect”. 

  
“Thank you all for coming”, Lex’s call for the guests’ attention, tearing them away from their happy little bubble. Lena shifts away from Kara, straightening her back into a more professional posture and puts her public mask back on. Kara tries to do the same. 

“Thank you mother, for not taking no for an answer and organizing this little celebration, even when I told you I don’t want to make too much fuss about it.”

Kara barely manages to cover up a snort. Lena gives her a look.  
  
“I’m not getting out there every single day looking for credit” _Of course you aren’t._

“I do it because I truly believe in what we do. In what we need to keep doing to make the world safer. This award doesn’t belong just to me. It belongs to all the great people at the DEO and Luthor Corp, who are fighting for a better world every day. One of them is my incredible sister, my brilliant partner who I couldn’t do anything without, even if it annoys me terribly. Thank you, Lena, I’m honored to have you by my side” 

Furious can’t begin to describe how Kara feels. She is glad Lena is getting at least some of the credit she deserves, but she is so so angry at Lex. How dare he take the credit for every good thing Lena ever did, and then have to audacity to thank her for all her help?

There is a round of applause Kara is quick to join in, making a point of looking at Lena while she does, in what she hopes looks like a loving gaze to the outside viewer. It’s surprisingly easy to look at Lena like that. She reaches for Lena’s hand, telling herself it has everything to do with their audience and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that a whole minute passed since their bodies touched and Kara is already starving for it. 

“Lena is also the person behind our successful collaboration with national city very own hero, Supergirl.”

_That can’t be good._

“When you are fighting hostile aliens every day, having a flying Superhero by your side definitely comes in handy.” There is a wave of laughter in the crowd, and Kara does her best to look like she finds it funny too. It’s torture. 

“and if I’m being honest, It also doesn’t hurt to own such a big brand” Lex looks straight at Kara when he says it, monitoring her reaction, and Kara orders her heart to calm down and keeps the smile plastered on her face.   
“Have you checked our special collection of the Supergirl Halloween costumes yet? They come with a signature of the girl of steel herself.” Lex winks at her and Kara sees red. She knows he is only saying it to provoke her, but did he really just made her seem like nothing but a pretty blond cheerleader? She can’t do this anymore, can’t sit here and pretend a second longer. She needs air. Needs to get out of here and come up with a better plan. But right when she is about to get up, Lena puts her hand on her knee, eyes begging her not to do anything rushed. Kara doesn’t have much choice but to stay in her place. She puts her smile back on. She claps with everyone else. She focuses on the warmth that spreads from the place Lena’s fingers touch her to her whole body. It helps her survive the couple more minutes Lex’s speech lasts. And then she flees. Waiting for Lex to be preoccupied and telling Lena she is going to get some air.

  
She finds her way to the balcony, wishing she could just take off and fly. Things always get into perspective when she is in the air. But she can’t just disappear. Can’t make up a Supergirl emergency and leave without rising Lex’s suspicion even more. So she just stands there, looking at all the little city lights and imagining she is far away from here. She hears Lena stepping outside a few minutes later. She doesn’t need to turn her head to know it’s her. She would recognize the sound of these heels anywhere. 

Lena approaches her hesitantly, putting her hand on Kara’s back gently to catch her attention. 

“Hi, are you okay?”

She is most definitely not okay. 

“Is this all I am in this world? a pretty face to put on the cover of CatCo while Lex gets a Nobel prize for all my hard work?”

Lena looks taken aback by that. 

“No, no, of course not Kara, he is just making it seem like that to get under your skin”

“It definitely sounds like everyone else agrees with him”

It comes out childish, and maybe she is being ridiculous, maybe they have more pressing matters than the way the world sees her, but being Supergirl is something Kara earned.   
Something that is _hers_ , and now she feels like she has nothing at all. 

“Honestly? they probably just took it as a joke. You would have too, a couple of days ago” Lena sigh. “Look, I’m not saying we aren’t using your superhero status as a marketing device, because what kind of business people we were if we didn’t? but Lex has a special skill of twisting the truth. The Halloween costumes? they were your idea. Most of the profit goes to a shelter for alien refugees. You were so excited about it.” A smile spreads on Lena’s face as she says it. “I stayed up all night with you when you signed them, refusing to use your super speed because you wanted to give special attention to every kid who gets it. People look up to you. The whole city looks up to you. You are our hero Kara. No one can take this away from you, not even lex” 

“Yeah?” she hates how vulnerable she sounds, but Lena nods at her with an expression so soft and understanding, eyes bright with so much love, that maybe Kara doesn't mind.

“This is exactly what lex wants. He is pushing your buttons so he could uncover your bluff. Don’t give him this pleasure”. 

Kara groans. 

“It might be too late for that. He definitely noticed my weird reaction”

Kara can almost hear Lena's brain in action. She bites her bottom lip as she considers available possibilities and outcomes and then sighs and says very very quietly “There might be a way to change his mind “. 

“How?”

“Do you trust me?”

Kara can hear Lena’s heart racing, her chest rises and falls quickly but her eyes are warm and safe and she nods. Of course she trusts Lena. 

“I know it’s against the rules but... I think we can manage”. 

Lena is suddenly very very close to her and Kara realizes what she means a moment too late, heart pounding loudly as Lena cups her face between her hands. Somewhere in the distance the balcony door is opened, and Lex’s voice asks “Is everything okay in there?”, but Kara is a little preoccupied to notice, with Lena finally closing the gap between them and kissing her. It’s slow at first, she barely brushes Kara’s lips before pulling away, one hand still on Kara’s cheek, still close enough for Kara to feel her breath on her face. But then Kara leans forward instinctively, and this is all Lena needs to kiss her again, a little messier this time, like the world around them is falling apart and kissing Kara is the only thing that keeps her grounded. 

Kara wraps her arms around Lena’s waist in an attempt to steady herself. She feels out of breath and dizzy and seconds away from a sensory overload breakdown, and Lena must feel that, because the next kiss is so so gentle that it leaves Kara wanting, makes her pull Lena closer and kiss her harder, deeper-

Somewhere behinds them Lex clears his throat. 

Lena lets go of her at once, and Kara makes an involuntarily sound of protest, hands still holding Lena close to her. 

“Don’t stop of my account” Lex seems amused more than anything else.

“Sorry we disappeared on you,” Lena says, laughing awkwardly like she just got caught making out with her girlfriend on his balcony. “We just needed a moment alone”. 

Something in the way Lena looks at her (A gaze that isn’t much unlike the way Kara looks at potstickers) makes it sounds much dirtier than it was. Kara can feel her own face turning red. 

Lex’s face gets a slightly green color, but he is quick to recover. 

“That’s an image I certainly don’t want to think about as your big brother ” 

“Sorry, I think it’s the wine talking” Lena giggles and holds onto Kara as if she is trying to steady herself. 

“I just wanted to make sure everything is okay” he turns to Kara, “You left so quickly I was afraid I offended you somehow with my speech. 

It takes all of Kara’s acting skills to pretend otherwise

  
“Me? offended? no, it was funny, you are funny. You know how much I’m proud of those Halloween costumes, I just needed some air, it’s a little crowded in there. And your sister is incapable of leaving me alone for two minutes". 

“That’s good. I'd hate to make you think I’m not appreciating our partnership. We would have been lost without you, you know that”

“It’s a good thing you have me on your side then”. 

Kara smiles at him, vaguely aware of the way Lena leans on her, hands “drunkenly” traveling down her body. Lex still looks kind of green as he says “Good, I’ll leave you two alone” and steps inside. 

“Wait, he might still be watching,” She says as Lena tries to pull away. But maybe she just wants to stay there for a little while longer.   
“Okay”. 

Kara can feel the last few minutes sinking in slowly, hot and overwhelming. She feels like something was switch on inside her and she can’t turn it off. She doesn’t sure she wants to. Every nerve in her tingles, every part of her screams Lena’s name, and oh, Rao, she kissed Lena. Lena, who looks just as much of a mess as Kara is. Lena who she very much wants to kiss again. 

They pull themselves together eventually. Lena calls it a night, reminding Lex she has an early meeting the next morning and she needs to be at her best, and soon they are making their way down in the elevator. 

Lena avoids making eye contact. She stands as far away from Kara as she can, looking like she can barely hold herself together, and Kara wants to say something, wants to do something, but she is afraid if she let herself move, she might do something stupid like trying to kiss Lena again or say something even more stupid like _I love you._  
  
The elevator doors open after what seems like a small eternity and Lena finally looks at her, voice a little shaky as she says “Good night Kara” and walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for everyone who expected a funny chapter and got this emotional mess. Hope you enjoyed it anyway 😊
> 
> Tell me what you think?
> 
> Come be my friend on Tumblr (mayalice18) and follow my poetry on Instagram (mayainwritingland) 😃


	4. Chapter 4

  
Lena really, really needs a drink. She barely manages to keep it together for the short drive home, barely manages to smile and mumble something about her own early meeting and an article Kara needs to finish by morning when her driver asks "No Miss Danvers tonight?", and it’s most definitely not his business, but for all she knows he could be Lex’s spy, and god, she is going to have to fire him. When she finally reaches the safety of her apartment, Lena closes the blinds, tosses off her heels and walks barefoot to the kitchen. There is a buzz under her skin that she is desperate to calm down, the wine from earlier this evening is clearly out of her system, and Lena rushes to pour herself a glass of something, anything to ease the rapid beats of her heart. She doesn’t remember drinking much before. She likes her wine, indulges in a small glass here and there to celebrate or take the edge of a hard day, but trying to drown herself with alcohol? That feels new and familiar at once. Is this the real Lena raising her head inside her? Should she be worried about her liver?   
  
Kissing Kara was a mistake. She can feel it in the way her heart doesn't stop pounding, the way everything feels slightly off balance. She is not an impulsive person. She had always prided herself on being a careful and calculated woman. But there is something about Kara that always makes her feel reckless. Unguarded.

She thought she could handle it. Lex was almost on to them and Lena was scared and a little bit desperate, and Kara was so pretty with all the city lights dancing on her face, and Lena really really wanted to kiss her. 

There was nothing familiar about kissing Kara. This was our first kiss she thinks, and the thought is so overwhelmingly ridiculous because she kissed Kara before, she knows every inch of Kara’s body, knows the exact spot on her neck that makes Kara sigh and say her name over and over and over. But Kara clearly doesn’t have any memory of kissing Lena, doesn't know Lena this intimately, and kissing her was clumsy and uncoordinated and new.

(Somehow it still felt like coming home).

Ever since Kara told her, Lena feels like she is working on autopilot. She knows that if she'd let herself feel, if the full gravity of what's happening would hit her, she would most definitely fall apart. This is exactly what’s going to happen if she won’t manage to shove her feelings back to their little box and close the lid shut. She needs more boxes. Bigger boxes. An entire fucking storage unit. 

It's not enough. 

Twenty-four hours ago she had a supportive big brother, a powerful position at a multi-billion dollar company and a girlfriend who loves her. And sure, there was this itch under her skin, a feeling that she doesn't belong she couldn't shake off, but mostly, she was happy. 

(She really really wants to be happy again).

More than anything, she wants to remember. Even if she was in a dark place before, even if all the terrible things Kara told her really did happened, even if all the things Kara was holding back on telling her because they were too horrible happened as well, it would be better than this. Remembering happiness that was never in the cards for her, grieving a relationship that was never her's to begin with. 

Lena changes out of her dress and climbs into bed, the exhaustion of the evening finally settling in her bones. But her mind is still buzzing, her thoughts still not letting her fall asleep. She knows getting her memory back won’t automatically fix things, but it might give her a better idea of what she is dealing with, of who Lex really is, and perhaps even how to stop him. In her mind, she already goes through possible ways to retrieve her lost memories. There must be a way, it would require some research and a more elaborate study on human memory, but she is positive she can do this. Having some sort of a plan calms down her nerves, makes her feel less helpless. She falls asleep a little later, wrapped in Kara's old college sweatshirt, and something that feels like hope in her chest.  
_

Kara can't sleep. She is not sure she would ever be able to sleep again. She circles the city three times, stops one thief, saves a family from a car accident and escorts a group of teenage girls home safely. She still can't sleep. She starts two shows on Netflix, gives up midway through the first episode and bakes two failed cookie batches (She eats them anyway). None of this helps to ease the tingling feeling in her body. None of this can erase the memory of Lena's body against her skin. 

She isn't good at recognizing her feelings for what they are. Never really figured out this whole relationship thing. Did her love for Lena was always there, quietly growing inside her chest, waiting for her to notice? Her relationship with Lena was always different. It always felt more precious than other friendships in her life. The problem is, that apart from Alex, Kara never really had a best friend before. She was always hiding too much of herself to let people in fully. Maybe this is why she missed all the signs, all the big neon, heart-shaped lights that glow over her head every time someone mentions Lena’s name. Because isn’t it how friendship supposed to feel like? Isn’t it normal to think your friend is the most beautiful, brilliant kind-hearted person you have ever met? Isn’t it normal to want to protect her? to want her by your side all the time? To want to make her happy? To want to hold her in your arms and never let go? Oh, Rao. How could she not see it?   
  
What is she supposed to do now? This is the worst possible timing to figure out how she feels. She missed her chance. Because her Lena, a Lena with her memories restored and Kara’s betrayal fresh in her mind would never look at her the way this world’s Lena does. She might never speak to her again. She might never come back to her. 

There is a selfish part of her that wishes for it. Wants to keep this Lena to herself, wants Lena to keep looking at her with this love in her eyes, and no painful memories between them. But this is not how she wants it, not how Lena would have wanted this and Kara can’t use her vulnerability, can’t reach out for something that isn’t hers to take.

If they would ever become anything at all, It has to be Lena’s conscious decision. For now, Kara needs to put this revelation back to where it came from, to bury this feeling deep deep down. She has done it before, she knows how to be Supergirl, how to focus on the crisis before her instead of the crisis inside. Whatever going on with her and Lena would have to wait until Lex is defeated and the world is back to normal. And maybe, just maybe, there is a future out there where Lena forgives her, a future where Lena loves her back. 

It's not that easy. There is a panic rising inside her. Her heart feels suddenly like it's two sizes too big. Throat closing like she forgot how to breathe. She feels like she is drowning in her own feelings. Like she might explode any second now. Like she already is exploding into tiny pieces she has no idea how to put back together.

Alex notices immediately that something is wrong. She finds her curled on the couch in the morning, still wearing her Super Suit, not really sleeping but not awake either, the Wizard of Oz playing loudly in the background. 

She is startled when Alex approaches her, rushing to turn off the TV and wipe any trace of tears from her face. 

"Sorry, I should have knocked first, I figured you'll be at Lena's. I just came to borrow your pasta maker. I mentioned to Kelly you had one you barely use, and she wants to show off her Italian cooking skills tonight, it that okay?" 

"As long as you bring me the leftover" Kara is proud she managed to keep her voice even.

"Deal" 

Alex moves to the kitchen, gasping audibly as she sees the mess from last night. She turns back to look at Kara, eyebrows rise in worry.

"Is everything okay?"

Kara opens her mouth to say everything is fine, but all that comes out is a quiet whimper. Alex rushes back to her side.

"Hi, look at me. What's wrong?" 

Kara tries to fight back the tears. She losses miserably.

"Did something happen at the party tonight? Was it Lillian? How many times did I tell you not to listen to that woman?" 

"No. It's not because of her. I mean she was terrible, but…"

Alex pauses, and her face softens. 

"Did you and Lena have a fight?" 

_Did she and Lena have a fight?_

"You can say that. Yeah" 

"What happened? I know things were rocky after the whole ring incident, but I thought you two are in a better place now"   
  
It takes a second for Kara to realize what Alex said. She remembers the headline she came across yesterday, about Lena and ring shopping, and her stomach makes an uncomfortable flip. Lena didn't say anything about it and Kara assumed it was just a rumor, but now she is dying to know what happened. Did Lena propose? Did Kara say no? Are things weren't as good between them as it seemed at first?

"It wasn't a fight fight," She says. "I just…" she isn't sure how to say it without letting everything else bubble out of her. "I love her so much. And sometimes I'm not sure things would ever go back to how they used to be". 

Alex nods like she understands. Like they aren't talking about two different timelines.   
"Come here" she lets Kara rest her head on her lap and brushes her fingers through her hair. "Lena is crazy about you. I'm sure you can work things out. But I'm here for you, whatever happens, okay?" 

Kara tries really hard not to cry again.

"Okay".   
_

Lena is in her office half an hour earlier than usual, fresh coffee on her desk and an Incognito tab open. She is using her personal computer and not the company one in her office, but she protects it against any spyware Lex might have put in there, just in case.

There is a list of articles about blocked memories in front of her.   
The first article Lena finds is all about hypnosis, and she gives up midway through because this is too Freud and too unscientific for her liking. The second article only talks about short term memory. The third deals with helping amnesic patients cope with the emotional challenges caused by their memory loss and doesn't say anything about how to restore it. 

The fourth one looks more promising. The study says that electrical stimulation to the brain helps participants retrieve memories more easily. But it only talks about remembering more words from a list and not about retrieving a suppressed memory and she isn't thrilled about the idea of using electrodes on herself. She saves it anyway, just in case it would turn out useful.  
  
The fifth article is about helping memories resurface by triggering the senses and recreating a vivid image of the environment the memory took place. It might be a little tricky since Lena doesn't have only one memory to retrieve (just years of false memories), but at least this is something she can try. Isn’t Obsidian North specialized in these kinds of things? She heard their new virtual reality project is supposed to work with all your senses. Maybe she should pay Andrea a visit and see if she can get a hold on one of their prototypes to experiment with. 

She sends Andrea a message, asking if she is free to meet her today. The answer comes two minutes later,

"Lunch, at Noonan's?".   
"Perfect" Lena types. "I should be out by 2".  
"Meet you there, it's been too long". Andrea adds a heart emoji at the end of the message and Lena can feel her heart expanding. It really has been too long. With Andrea busy with the launch of her new project and Lena doing double duty at Luthor Corp and the DEO they have barely seen each other in months. Well, at least not in this timeline, Lena reminds herself. Kara mentioned Andrea buying CatCo in her own timeline, and her having history with Lena, and Lena cataloged her in the "things that stayed the same" list in her mind. Most things that weren't related to Lex directly made it to that list. She really really hopes that her assumption is true. She is going to need a friend once this is all over.   
_

Andrea is already sitting at their usual table when Lena arrives. She smiles when she sees Lena, that bright, beautiful smile that makes Lena feel like everything is going to be okay. Andrea gets up to hug her and the smell of her perfume fills in Lena's nose. She doesn't mind. She holds on to the familiarity of it. Of everything she can hold in her hands and declare as real. 

"What's going on, Linda?" 

Lena realizes she still hasn't let go of Andrea. Slightly embarrassed, she pulls away slowly and raises her eyes to meet hers. Andrea's gaze is intense, she looks at Lena the way she used to look at her, back in boarding school, when she had ugly fights with Lillian and shut herself up in the school lab, trying desperately to be enough. The “tell me what you need and I'd get it for you" kind of look. 

Lena doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what she could say without sounding completely crazy. _I just found out my whole life is a lie. Guess what- my brother is crazy and he wants to take over the world. The woman I love was never really mine._

Lena sighs, slowly massaging her temple, where a headache begins to form and decides none of these options sounds good. 

"Just had a rough few days. With the golden boy getting his noble and all that" 

It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface, but at least it’s not a lie. 

Andrea nods in understanding. “Lillian must be thrilled. Is she giving you a hard time?” 

“Just the usual jabs”. 

Lillian didn’t miss an opportunity to show Lena what a disappointment she is. How she would never measure up to Lex. She isn’t Luthor enough. She isn’t straight enough. She spends too much time running around with a tabloid reporter instead of finding herself someone more suitable. 

"You know it's just a matter of time until you get your own Nobel, right? And unlike Lex, you would actually deserve it”. 

Andrea’s words are genuine if more than a little bias. 

“I just hate it that he is always one step ahead of me. You should have seen him at his party yesterday, puffing from self-importance, thanking me for all my help, talking about Supergirl like she is his cheerleader”.

Andreas smiles sympathetically and opens her mouth to say something, but then the waitress approaches their table, and they both shifts their attentions to their menus.   
After she leaves with their orders (Kale salad for Lena, salmon for Andrea), Andrea waits for her to be out of hearing range, before asking “How are things with Kara? There were some pictures of you on my desk this morning, and you looked… cozy. ” 

Lena saw these pictures. They were posted to CatCo website sometime this morning and definitely didn’t help with her procrastination. It’s the two of them on the couch, Kara’s hands on Lena’s shoulders, looking at her like she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Kara sent her the link with a heart emoji and nothing else. 

“Photos can be deceiving”. 

_Shit._ She wasn’t supposed to say that. She wasn't supposed to reveal anything to Andrea. But Lena is tired of pretending and she prays to god Andrea won’t turn out to be someone she shouldn’t trust. 

“Sorry, I thought-”

“Don’t. Things are a little rocky at the moment, but we are working on it. Just… don't tell anyone, okay?” She hopes Andrea can’t hear the panic in her voice. “My mother would have a field day if she knew we are having problems”. 

“Of course.” Andrea puts her hands on Lena’s, and there is something so incredibly calming about this gesture that she wants to cry. “You know I’ll never disclose anything you tell me in private ” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to doubt your loyalty to me. Just got a little paranoid”. 

“Don’t worry, I understand. And I know we barely got to see each other lately, but you know I’m here right? For whatever you need”. 

Lena nods. “Actually... there is something you can help me with” Andrea looks a little surprised by this answer but she tilts her head to show Lena she got her full attention.

“That’s one of the reasons I wanted to meet up today. I heard a lot about your new virtual reality lenses, and I was wondering if there is any chance I can get one early, for personal use, of course,” Lena clarifies. “I think it might help me get a clear picture of things. But I understand if you want to avoid anything being leak before the big launch”. 

Andrea's face relaxes at once. 

“It’s no problem at all. We were going to give them to a group of testers later this week anyway, I’ll make sure someone sends you one as soon as possible”. 

Lena gives her a grateful smile.

“Thank you”. 

They move on to lighter topics after that, complaining about board members and catching up on the things they've missed in each other's lives.   
  
The box is on her desk not even two hours later, along with a note from Andrea saying it was nice seeing her face today and expressing her hope that the lenses would give her what she needs.  
_

She waits until she is home to try on the lenses, leaving her office when there is still light outside, and doing her best to ignore the stares of her assistant. (Does she need to fire her too?).

She has a vague idea of how to do this, had tried the first generation of these lenses when they first came out, but she still finds herself hesitating when it's time to put them on.

Does she really want to remember? 

She takes a deep breath. Put the fear back in its little box. Of course she does. The truth is always better than a well-crafted lie. 

The first memory she steps into isn’t new exactly. She thought it would be easier to start with a memory she already has, something it would be easy for her to recreate in vivid details and make the necessary adjustments. 

It’s the day Kara revealed her identity before her, the day they connected, really connected for the first time. She holds her breath as Kara puts her finger on the alien detection device, waiting for the light to turn red, except there is a little beeping sound and a green light turn on instead, and suddenly there is nothing familiar about this memory.

She ends the simulation. There is anger bubbling inside her and she can taste something bitter, (Something that feels like a betrayal) on her tongue. Kara lied to her. Kara didn’t trust her. And she knew it already but seeing it is something else entirely. She suddenly feels like she doesn't know Kara at all. She throws the lenses on the wall and they land on the floor with a little cracking sound, thankfully, still in one piece. 

She still doesn’t remember.   
  
“What are you doing?”

Of course this is when Kara decides to show up, letting herself in through the balcony, like Lena doesn’t have a front door she can knock on. 

Lena hurries to pick up the box from the floor. 

“Nothing that should concern you”. 

She doesn’t mean to sound this cold. But she needs Kara out of her apartment. She needs to put the lenses back on and get back control over her life. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to barge in like that, but I heard a noise and I wanted to make sure you are okay”

Kara doesn’t leave. She is looking at the box clutched in Lena’s fist, looks at the article open on her laptop and sighs in sudden realization. 

“You are trying to get your memory back”

It’s not a question. Lena nods anyway. 

Kara is quiet for a long moment, fingers fiddling with her cape in a way the makes it hard for Lena to stay mad at her. 

“Can I help?”

_

  
“I changed my mind, my life obviously sucks. Maybe I don’t want to remember”. Lena says it with a smile, but there is sadness reflecting from Kara’s eyes when she looks back at her. 

They went through simulation after simulation in the past hour and a half. From murder attempts to emotional heart to hearts to yet another murder attempt. Lena had to watch what must be the top ten of the most horrible moments of her life, helpless to do anything but let the events play out as they did in the real world. 

None of it helped her remember. 

Kare is already busy preparing the next simulation. “Just one more?” she asks softly, “I have a good feeling about this memory”, she looks at her with this gaze Lena doesn’t know how to say no to, and Lena sighs and takes the lenses back from her. 

She takes a deep breath. “Okay. Just this one”. 

She is in some sort of a gala. She can hear the music in the background, the sound of conversations, the smell of food. She is standing in an empty hallway, looking down at the party. Kara is there in front of her, wearing a light blue dress, hair up in a put-together bun. She looks very nervous. Then she takes off her glasses and Lena realizes what’s happening here. 

_I’m Supergirl, I’ve always been Supergirl_

Warm tears are filling Lena’s eyes as Kara goes through her speech. She thinks she heard it before, but she can’t hold on to the memory, can’t be sure it’s even real. There are feelings rising to the surface now, bubbling inside her like lava, and Lena can’t stop the wave, doesn’t want to stop it, has no idea how to stop it but she feels it’s only a matter of time before it would burst out of her and consume her whole. 

But then the memory changes. 

_Kara Danvers is Supergirl_

The voice sounds far away as if she is hearing it from underwater. Kara and the lighted hallway fade away as reality shifts and rearrange itself before Lena’s eyes.   
She is in Lex’s treehouse. Or at least, she thinks this is where she is. It’s dark and filled with technology that was definitely not there when they were kids, but it looks the same otherwise. She can smell gunpowder in the air. Can feel the weight of the gun, still clutched between the fingers of her right hand. There is someone on the floor, and to her horror, Lena realizes this is Lex. Her whole body begins to shake. 

_I'm about to die, but at least I lived without ever being a fool. You're left with no one and nothing._

Lex’s words hurt just like they did the first time. Maybe more than they did the first time. 

And just like that, Lena remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Lena remembers and they can move on from here 😊 
> 
> This chapter mostly wrote itself so I'd love to hear what you think about it! 
> 
> Hope everyone are doing okay and staying safe and healthy ❤
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/mayainwritingland/) 😁


	5. Chapter 5

It worked.

Lena ends the simulation and says nothing. She just stands there, frozen for a long breath, heart pounding so loud it makes Kara dizzy. She knows the pain in Lena’s eyes, recognizes the hurt on her face and the rage bubbling underneath the surface. She takes a deep, shaky breath and approaches Lena hesitantly, suddenly terrified of her reaction. The careful hand she rests on her forearm startles Lena enough to finally look at Kara, and the tears in her eyes are all the confirmation she needs.

She remembers.

Kara didn’t expect to feel so relieved. She was dreading this moment for the past three days but now when it’s here she feels like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders (Like she finally has someone to carry it with her).

The past few days were wonderful and eye-opening and confusing, but Kara is ready to have her Lena back. As much as she is glad for the time she got to spend with a version of Lena who doesn’t hate her (A version of Lena who loves her), she is ready to have something real.

In front of her, Kara can see Lena stitching herself back together, pushing feeling into imaginary boxes as she blinks away the remains of her tears.

When she speaks eventually, there is no sign of the emotional turmoil on her face.

“That was a waste of time” Lena’s voice is dry, and the lie is heavy in the air between them. Lena looks at Kara like she is expecting her to protest, but Kara doesn’t call her out on it. She doesn't say _I know you_ or I’m sorry or please _don’t shut me out again_ , just blurs out her name in a tiny, broken voice.

Lena continues as if she didn’t hear her. “Thank you for trying to help, but I think I'm going to call it a night” the smile on her face is the one reserved for especially annoying business associates. It stings a little. Kara opens her mouth again, but Lena turns her back to her and opens the balcony door, making it clear that she has no interest in whatever Kara has to say. She looks at her expectedly and Kara realizes that’s her cue to leave. Fine. If Lena needs space, Kara can give it to her. She steps outside and gives her one last look before flying away. 

(Lena’s quiet sobs follows her all the way to her own apartment).

_

She doesn’t want to fall apart in front of Kara. She knows. Lena knows she knows. She can see it in the pathetic guilty look that spreads on her face, can see it in the way Kara’s lips open to form an apology Lena doesn’t want to hear. There is really no point in pretending anymore. But she needs Kara to leave, needs to be alone with her racing heart and the cold floor of her kitchen and the air that slowly begins leaving her lungs. _Lex is alive._ The thought repeats itself in Lena’s head like a mantra, like a dark spell, a bad dream she wishes she's never woken up to.

It doesn’t make any sense. She killed him. She remembers pulling the trigger, remembers watching him fall to the floor. She remembers leaving him there to rot. How can he be alive? Lex is a genius, sure, but he is no god. She used to found comfort in this fact. No matter how bigger than life Lex seemed at times, how terrified he made her feel, he was human, just like her. (And he hate it). 

It’s hardly the first time Lena had to accept impossible things into her belief system. There are Aliens out there with powers beyond imaginable. The multiverse theory is real. Her former idol hid behind a pair of glasses and pretended to be her best friend for years. But there was always a logical explanation behind it all. Something Lena could study and research and learn from, or at least a moral lesson. But how does one defeat death? What kind of deal did Lex make to come back from the dead and be crowned as earth’s hero? Who would offer him such a deal, the devil himself? A hysterical laugh escaped Lena’s lips. If she has to reconsider her position on heaven and hell, she is going to need whiskey in her system ASAP.

Her hands are shaking as she pours herself another glass, but even with the Alcohol level in her blood rapidly increasing, Lena can’t begin to describe how she feels. She doesn't even know how to start unpacking all of this.

She can’t breathe. She tries to get air into her lungs but nothing seems to get in. _Stop it_ , she orders herself. It’s just panic. She should just breathe. _Breathe dammit. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Exhale. Good. Again._

Everything hurts. Real and fake memories are mixing together in her head and there is no amount of whiskey in the world to make this all okay. For a split second Lena regrets sending Kara away. She wishes she would have been here, so Lena could yell at her or kiss her or do whatever it is that would make her feel less lost. A wave of fresh pain hits her and she shoves back this thread of thought. She can’t deal with it right now. It doesn’t matter. Her silly little emotions don’t matter when Lex is out there, planning to kill them all. She feels sick. She wants to scream. She wants to punch something. She wants to grab her gun and go to Lex’s penthouse and just hope he would stay dead this time.

Clarity comes to her then, pushing her out of the drunk, messy state she was in. She knows what she needs to do.

_

Another award ceremony is the last place Kara wants to be. She spent the past few hours on her couch, staring at the TV without really watching it, trying (unsuccessfully) to feel less miserable. Nothing can push the sound of Lena's cry out of her head. Lena, who remembers and wants nothing to do with her, Lena who is going to push her away again and leave Kara to face this battle all alone. It’s a depressing thought, and Kara can’t be sure how much truth it holds, but she can’t shake away the way Lena looked at her like she doesn’t matter. Like she doesn’t love her anymore. And all Kara wants to do is curl into a ball and watch some hopeless chefs burn their Macaroons as the apartment goes dark around her.

She was looking forward to a night of staring at the wall and feeling sorry for herself when Nia called and asked her to cover the event for her. She mumbled something about a surprise date and musical tickets and she sounded so excited that Kara had no choice but agree to her request. At least work would be a welcome distraction.

Ten minutes before the ceremony about to start, when Kara finally looks at the event program Nia sent her, she realizes how wrong she was. The universe definitely hates her, because the title says “The man of tomorrow- guest of honor- Lex Luthor” and Kara almost throws her phone into a wall. Almost.

She should have guessed. This is Lex Luthor’s world and there isn’t an award in a thousand miles radius he didn’t claim for himself. Kara has nowhere to run. It’s too late to call Nia and tell her she can’t make it after all. She is angry at herself for even thinking about it. She is a damn good journalist. She won a Pulitzer. She can handle an hour or two at an award ceremony where Lex would probably be too busy admiring himself to even notice her. Kara gets off the couch with a big sigh. 

_

At least there is free food. Kara inhales as many sushi rolls as she can manage without attracting too many stares. She chats with a couple of journalists from National City Post and does her best to avoid a very persistent gossip blogger who keeps asking questions about Lena despite Kara’s reluctance to answer her. It doesn't feel so different than a usual day at work, and by the time the head of the organization finishes her speech and calls Lex to the stage, Kara feels more at ease with the whole situation. She takes out her notepad and tape recorder, ready to get all the quotes she needs and get this over with.

Then, she hears it. Kara didn’t expect Lena to be here. She checked the guest list, (just to be sure there wouldn't be more surprises), and Lena never RSVP'd. But she can’t mistake the familiar rhythm of Lena’s heartbeats. Kara turns her head instinctively, but she only manages to get a glimpse of Lena’s back as she disappears up the stairs.

Something is wrong. Lena wasn’t planning to attend before, and now with her memory intact, Kara can’t imagine why she would feel the need to be here, unless…her chest freezes with the realization.

Lena’s heartbeats are fast, and Kara follows them all the way to the top floor. She finds her standing there, looking down at the ceremony, eyes fixed directly at Lex who’s now making his way to the podium. Lena’s hands are shaking as she pulls something out of her purse and Kara sighs audibly when she realizes what it is. It's a gun, and Lena is pointing it right at Lex.

“You can’t stop me,” Lena says. She doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t turn around, just keeps adjusting the gun in her hands, waiting for the right opportunity to pull the trigger. A wave of regret washes over Kara. She should have never left Lena alone in this shaky condition. She has to do something. Fast. She can save Lex, obviously. She is Supergirl, but not without causing a major scene, and possibly exposing Lena in the process. No, she is going to have to get through to her.

“You don’t have to do this”.

“Save your speech Supergirl” there is venom in Lena’s voice when she says her name “you are not going to convince me my brother is someone worth saving. This ends now”.

Kara takes one step closer. “Lena, look at me, please. I know you want to stop Lex, I want that too, believe me, but don’t do this, don’t kill him”

Lena’s whole body is shaking now like she is losing an inner battle.

“If I don’t do this, Lex wins”

“No, he won’t. I promise” Kara tries to reassure her, “We would find another way, together”.

“Together” A laugh escapes Lena's lips. “We are not a team Kara. We are not friends. We are not… anything. So why won’t you just leave me alone and let me take care of this myself”.

“No”

“No?”

“I’m not leaving. Even if you don’t want me to be here. Even if you hate me”. Something softens in Lena’s expression when she says it, and it gives Kara the courage to continue. “I’m your friend and I'm not going to stand aside and watch you make this mistake. If you kill him now when the whole world thinks he is a hero, you are putting yourself in danger, you might end up in jail or... worse and we don’t know his plan yet, we don’t know who is he working with and what would happen if he is gone, and I need you. I need you to be safe. Please don’t do this”.

“I can’t Kara. I can’t breathe when I know he is out there” tears are rolling down Lena’s face “This might be my only chance to catch him off guard. I have to take it. I have to-”

“No. You don’t have to do this. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to tell you this the first time, but I’m here now” Kara takes one more tentative step forward. “Don’t kill him. He is your brother. I know how heartbroken you were over this the last time. It shouldn’t be on you. We'd find a way to defeat him. We'd get him back to jail and we'd make sure he won’t find a way out this time, and if it would come down to it, if we wouldn't have another choice, I’d do it, I’ll end it, for you. “

Kara’s voice shakes with these last words, but she means it (She would do anything for Lena.)

Lena lowers her gun, letting it fall to the floor with a loud crack as her hands drop to her side. Kara wraps her arms around her milliseconds later, holding tight as Lena sobs into her shoulder. They stand there for what seems like forever until the sound of clapping from the bottom floor brings them back to reality. Lex’s speech is over.

Kara pulls away slowly, hands still firm on Lena’s back.

“Let’s get out of here”.

_

Lena’s head is heavy and Kara's couch comfortable, and this is definitely the only reason she doesn’t leave. Kara hovers around her, offering food and blankets and trying to make her talk to her but Lena isn’t sure she would be able to open her mouth without crying again, and she is too exhausted to fight it. 

She finds comfort in how familiar it feels to be there. Not just because she remembers all the fake dinner and fake kiss and fake cuddling that took place there, but because of her very real memories of game nights and late-night conversations, and falling asleep with Kara’s hands in her hair. She feels safe. The apartment smells like cinnamon and Kara still looks at her like she means the world to her and Lena doesn’t have the energy to stop herself from feeling.

She always loved Kara. So she shouldn’t be surprised, really that this is where this reality took them. She shouldn’t be surprised that all it took was a dose of honesty at the right moment for them to become something more. Lena spent years pushing down her feeling. Convincing herself she should just let this go. That Kara doesn't love her like that. That Kara deserves so much better than her. Then, she found out the truth and all her love turned into resentment. She felt like a fool, giving herself fully to a woman who hid from her the most important part of herself. But Lena has other memories now, (though they feel more like a daydream). She remembers loving Kara, remembers waking up next to her, remembers knowing who Kara was from the very beginning, and she is so so angry (She doesn’t think she would ever stop being angry). This is what we could have had she wants to scream. This is where we would have ended up if you’d have just told me the truth.

(Happy. They would have been happy).

She was wrong. It hurts more now, remembering sucks. The Lena she was just a few hours ago? She was happier and lighter and didn’t feel like she needs to prove herself to the world all the time. She is who Lena used to be before, who she might have been if Lex would have never gone crazy, if her family was a little less a train wreck. If… This is a Lena without Lex’s shadow hovering over her head, and Kara didn’t have a reason not to trust her, didn't have a reason to put her guard up. It always comes down to Lex. Always.

She still wants to kill him. She glad she didn’t. Either way feels like she is losing. She would never be free of him. Even dead and buried, he would always hover like a dark shadow over her. She doesn’t want to let him win this time. He already took enough from her.

“No more waiting”, Lena says, pushing herself into a sitting position despite the loud protest from her temple. Kara, who is busying herself with what seems like a mountain of dishes, turns to look at her, encouraging her to keep going with her soft, warm gaze. 

“I can’t sit and wait for Lex to make a move. If we want to win this we need to be one step ahead of him”

“Okay”

“Okay?” Lena raises an eyebrow.

“Waiting around isn’t really my style either”

“So...“ A wide grin spreads on Kara’s face that definitely isn’t appropriate for this situation.

“Are we still in this together?”

Lena can’t help but smile back at her.

She nods. “Together”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I going to just let our girls kiss and makeup? Eventually. There are a lot of complicated feelings to deal with, but at least they both have their memories now, and they are still there for each other and ready to start taking active steps to get their life back. 
> 
> *Let's just pretend Lena has a special gun that can totally still hit Lex all the way from the top floor, shall we? 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/mayainwritingland/) 😁


	6. Chapter 6

When she wakes up, there is a short blissful moment when Lena thinks this is just another morning. The sun is barely up, but she can hear Kara moving around the apartment, and she is about to call her back to bed before the truth hits her like a cold wind. 

Kara must have heard her sharp intake of breath, because the next thing she knows she is standing in front of her in full Super-suit, eyes scanning the room for a sign of danger. 

“Oh”, the tension leaves Kara’s shoulders as understanding spreads over her face.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

Lena can’t take her eyes away from her. She shouldn’t be so affected by the sight of Kara in her suit. Supergirl is a self-righteous liar who never had Lena’s best interest at heart and Lena disdain everything this suit represents. Besides, didn't she wake up to that very image hundreds of times before? But that was another timeline and another Kara, and it’s her Kara who is standing in front of her now, with all her muscles on display and an adorable guilty expression on her face. 

Coffee, she needs coffee. Her brain is obviously still asleep. 

“Bring me coffee and I’ll see if I can forgive you?”

A blush is starting to cover Lena’s cheeks. Did she really just say that? but Kara’s face brightens at once, and she is back a moment later with a familiar takeaway cup. She mumbles something about picking it up after her morning patrol and hands it to Lena with a bashful smile. 

Lena’s heart is doing a weird little flip when she recognizes the Coffeehouse logo and she accepts the coffee with a simple thank you. Kara’s usual patrol route is nowhere near Milan. There is a long moment where both of them just stare at each other before Kara excuses herself back to the living room. 

Lena sips her coffee slowly, trying to gather her thoughts. Her head is still heavy, but yesterday's pain feels more manageable with first rays of sunlight and a good night's sleep.

They didn’t talk much the night before. Lena was ready to go to Luthor-Corp building and start sniffing around right away, but Kara insisted she should take the night off. Lena was too emotionally exhausted to fight her. She fell asleep not long after that, dozing off on the couch while they wait for their food order. Kara must have moved her to the bed at some point because Lena has no memory of getting there. (Her face heats up again when she realizes she doesn’t remember changing into her MIT sweatshirt either.) 

The emotional turmoil of yesterday has mostly turned into a small drizzle by now, the weight of her real memories settled back on her shoulders like an old friend, and all Lena is left with is burning humiliation. Lena never denied the existence of the ugly, scary parts of herself, but even after everything she did, she is still a little horrified to find so much darkness inside her. She never wanted Kara to see her at her darkest moment. Never wanted to give her a reason to distrust her. She still remembers the way she looked at her, back at the fortress of solitude. How easy it was for her to see her as a villain. She can still hear Kara’s quiet, broken, “are you going to kill me?” playing at the back of her head, and she wishes it would have made her angrier, (because how dare she think Lena is capable of doing something like that), but it just made her heart sink deeper into the floor. 

She doesn’t want to feel like that ever again. 

_

She finds Kara Leaning over her laptop, her forehead wrinkled in concentration as she read over what seems like her article about yesterday's award ceremony. Did Kara even go to sleep last night? There is something so familiar about it, finding Kara speed typing an article that is due in half an hour, and listening to her complains about whatever it is that kept her from writing it sooner. (Lena wonders if this time it’s on her.) 

She smiles when she hears Lena approaching. 

“Just let me finish this real quick, and we could talk?” she already changed into her work outfit, but she isn’t wearing her glasses, and for the hundredth time in the past few months Lena wonders how could she be so blind. 

She nods and takes the seat next to her, but five minutes pass and Kara is still looking at the screen like it's personally offending her, and Lena becomes a little intrigued. 

"Can I take a look?"

Kara seems surprised by the offer, but she passes Lena her Laptop with a nervous smile. 

It's good. Kara always had a natural talent for words and considering her attention was elsewhere at the time of the ceremony, Lena is kind of impressed with how put together it is. 

She gets why Kara hates it right away. The article serves as an ode to Lex Luthor and his great contribution to their society.

"I sent a toned-down version of it earlier," Kara says quietly "I tried to say that there were also other people behind Lex's accomplishments who deserved recognition as well. Andrea wasn't pleased". 

Lena nods in understanding. 

"It's probably for the best. We don't want to raise his suspicion." 

Kara sigh "You are right. I just hate it when I can't write what I really think".

With one last look of disdain, she takes back her laptop and finally emails the article, before turning her attention back to Lena. 

“How are you feeling?” 

_ Like I just found out the past five years of my life are a lie. Like the brother I shot in the chest somehow survived and is up to no good. Like trying to pretend I don’t love you is taking every energy I have left.  _

“I’m fine” Kara gives her a sad look, like she wishes Lena could be honest with her, but she doesn’t say anything. 

Lena is grateful for that. 

“Thank you, for last night.” She says “For stopping me. It was foolish and reckless and I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I hope it doesn’t make you think less of me”. 

She doesn’t look at Kara when she says it, but she manages to catch her attention by laying a warm hand on hers, and her eyes are serious than ever when she says “Nothing could make me think less of you”. 

Lena scans her face for any sign she is lying. _If you think so highly of me, why didn’t you trust me? why did you lie and lie and lie?_

“Even if I still want him dead?”. 

Lena's voice breaks. 

She is waiting for Kara to react, waiting for her to flinch and decide she isn't worth it. 

This isn’t what happens.

Kara wraps her in her arms in a quiet answer and whispers “how many times do I have to tell you how good you are until you believe me?” and Lena feels absolutely helpless. She gives in to the touch. Letting Kara holds her and wipe her tears with a careful brush of her fingers. 

(She feels like all she is doing lately is cry). 

“How would I ever be able to defeat Lex when I feel so weak?”

The look Kara gives her is intense.

“You are not weak. Crying doesn’t make you weak. Having complicated feelings doesn’t make you weak.” Her fingers brush against Lena’s knee lightly, sending goosebumps all over her body. 

“You have so much strength in you. You are so unbelievably strong. You have been through so much, but you always get up. You always try to be better and I admire you for it.” 

Kara's eyes are shining, and she gives Lena a tiny smile. 

“You are not alone. You have me. We defeated him before, and we can do it again, I know we can”.

There is something contagious in Kara’s determination, and Lena can’t help but been filled with new energy. 

“Let’s take down the bastard”. 

_

They spend the next week hitting one dead end after another.

There is nothing even remotely suspicious in Luthor Corp’s files. Lena goes over every single spreadsheet and lab report. Twice. Including the ones in Lex’s secret server. There is nothing there. No alarming new projects. No odd money transactions. Not even a good old sexual harassment complaint she could use against him. 

Kara doesn’t have much luck at the DEO either. There isn’t any new suspicious weapon in development. All alien prisoners seemed to be rightfully imprisoned and treated well and DEO agents apparently have much better work benefits. 

She even went to check out Lex’s old bunkers. They were gone. All of them. 

Even her best reporting skills seem to fail her. She can’t find anyone who is willing to say anything even remotely bad about Lex. Every single person she talks to just repeat the same praises. 

She is sick of it. 

Whatever it is that Lex is planning, he is doing a very good job of keeping it quiet. 

_

“Is it possible that he isn’t planning anything?”

Optimistic as always, Kara tries to argue that the fact that they didn’t find anything might actually be a good thing. 

They are eating lunch at Lena’s office and it almost feels normal, the massive big belly burgers bags in front of them, and the way Lena’s eyes lighted up when she walked in, so maybe it's just her stupid heart, wishing for things she can't have. 

“I know it sounds impossible, but hear me out for a second. This new world has given Lex everything he wanted already. He has the whole world practically wrapped around his finger. Maybe he doesn’t want to risk that, maybe he really is trying to be the hero this time around”. 

Lena raises an eyebrow skeptically. 

“And share the spotlight with his beloved sister and his Kryptonian sister in law? I don’t think so. it’s my brother. He is always planning something. At the very least he wants revenge" She pauses for a moment, thinking, "But you are right, he has a lot to lose, he isn’t going to just leave evidence lying around for us to find”. 

“So what are we supposed to do? Follow him around until we’d find out what he is planning?”

Lena looks like she is seriously considering it. 

“That’s actually not a bad idea”.

_

Following Lex during the day turns out to be an easy task. Lena simply adapts her schedule to Lex’s, spending more time at her DEO office and trying to keep an eye for secret meetings or suspicious phone calls. 

(Nothing so far). 

Kara stops by every now and then, meeting Lena for lunch dates or hanging around after turning in alien criminals, and putting her super hearing to good use. 

Working with Lex is surprisingly easy, and it makes Lena’s heart ache. She wishes Kara was right. Wishes she could have her brother back. But she is not a fool. Lex tricked her too many times in the past. She won't ever let herself believe in him again. 

Kara said she could handle the night shift on her own. (“I’m patrolling the city anyway, I can keep an eye on Lex”), but Lena objected. If they are doing this together they are doing it together. 

Her sleep is a small price to pay. 

_

Lena’s car is parked two blocks away from Lex’s buildings. Close enough for Kara to hear Lex’s movements, but far enough to avoid his suspicion. 

They sit in silence. Lena focuses on the screen of her tablet, staring at the security camera footage of Lex’s building. It won’t help them much if he decides to use his transmatter portal watch instead of the front door, but it’s something to do, something to distract her from Kara's presence on the seat next to her. 

Her eyes are closed, and Lena knows she is focusing on the sounds around them. Her laptop long forgotten in the backseat along with the article she is procrastinating on and her fingers are tapping on the dashboard restlessly. Twice during the night, Kara startles Lena, rushing out of the car to answer a cry for help only she can hear.

The hours pass by and other than some questionable TV taste, Lex doesn’t do anything out of the ordinary. 

_

“Are you sure you don’t want to go home and get some sleep? I’ll call you if anything changes” 

It’s almost five by then, and Lena is doing her best to keep her eyes open, knuckles white around her fifth coffee cup. 

“No. I want to be here. Just, keep the coffee coming, okay?” 

Kara nods and begins taking off her glasses but Lena stops her. “The one from the cart across the street is perfectly fine”. 

__

Kara is holding six cups of coffee and enough chocolate supply for a little army (consisted of exactly one alien and one human with a weakness for chocolate truffles) when Lena picks her up the next night. Lena gives her an amused look, but Kara just shrugs.

“What? I’m just making sure we have everything we need to get through the night” 

There is a blush climbing up her face. 

Things go pretty much the same as before. They sit quietly. They make fun of the ridiculous reality show Lex is watching. Kara saves a family from a fire. Lena drinks more caffeine than her body can handle. Lex snores, apparently. They eat chocolate. They run out of coffee and Kara goes to get some more and comes back with donuts.

Lena is running on caffeine and Sugar and the twenty minutes power nap she squeezed into her lunch break and fighting sleep turns out to be a losing battle.

Kara doesn’t wake her up. She lowers her seat to make her more comfortable and finds a blanket in the trunk to cover her with. Then she definitely doesn't spend the rest of the night staring at her. 

_ 

“You didn’t have to go through all this trouble for me”

It’s the fifth night they spend in this car, and even Kara looks exhausted at this point, but she still offers Lena a box full of her favorite scones, the ones Lena knows she had to fly all the way to Dublin to get, and she just doesn’t get it. (She isn’t worth it). 

Kara is biting her lip, like this is making her nervous for some reason and Lena knows she entered dangerous territory. 

“I wanted to”. Kara’s voice is quiet, and there is a hint of sadness in her eyes when Lena finally looks at her. 

There is a tiny smile at the corner of Kara’s mouth, her expression open and honest and Lena can’t do this. 

“You know this isn’t something you can fix with some coffee and baked goods right? As much as I do appreciate the gesture.” 

“I know, I know, I just…” Kara hesitates for a moment, considering her words “You know how much I care about you, right?”

“Kara…”

“No, let me say it. This whole time, when I tried to apologize to you, I was so focused on my own guilt that I left out the most important part. I should have started with how much I love you. With how much having you in my life means to me.”

Lena was longing to hear these words for so long. She wants to believe her. She really does. 

“I don’t know if I could ever trust you again,” she says. Kara's face falls, but Lena reaches out and takes her hand in hers. “But I want to try. I want things to get better between us.”

“That’s all I’m asking. For you to give me a chance”

Kara’s fingers wrap around Lena’s in a gesture that feels so much more intimate than a simple hand-holding. It wakes her body back to life, makes her lean into Kara’s space, ignoring all the big red lights screaming at her it’s a mistake. Kara smiles at her, soft and welcoming, but she doesn’t move, just wait for Lena to gather her courage, fingers still brushing the back of her palm lightly. 

But just when Lena is finally about to close the distance, Kara stiffens and pulls back, listening closely to something far away from them.

“It’s Lex, I think he is on the move”. 

_

They didn’t actually discuss what would happen when they catch Lex on his way to do something shady. Kara insists she should follow him on her own, and after her initial objection, Lena has to admit she is right. Driving after him is way too dangerous. 

She tugs the edge of Kara’s cape when she steps out of the car. 

“Be careful” 

Kara gives her a reassuring smile and flies away.

_

The address Kara texts her ten minutes later is just a simple office building downtown. 

“Maybe he just has an early meeting?” Kara wonders through the comm.

Lena is a little more skeptical. 

“At 5 am?” 

“I’m going to get closer, see if I can see through the walls” 

“Wait!” She has a bad feeling about this. “Just... keep a safe distance, okay? We don’t want to alert the crazy security system he probably has”. 

“I will” 

A few second passes before Kara’s frustrated groan fills her ears. 

“They are covered in lead”

Of course they are.

There is a moment of silence before Kara speaks again, fear clear in her voice. 

“We are going to have to break in, aren’t we?” 

_

Lena has a lifetime of experience of breaking into Lex’s secret hiding places. 

She knows how to bypass the biometric lock on the door, knows how to shut down the security cameras and guide Kara carefully through the laser beams so she could shut down the alarm from the other side of the room. Nothing manages to catch them by surprise, and there is something a little unsettling about how easy it is.

“Stay close” She orders Kara, as she scans the room for any more traps. But after ten minutes were nothing is exploding around them. After she makes sure for the hundredth time Lex is still deep into a board meeting on the other side of the city, Lena begins to feel more at ease. 

(She should have known better). 

The place is a mess. It looks like Lex tried to squeeze everything he wanted to keep from their old reality into one tiny room. Lex’s warsuit, along with all sorts of other weapons are on display on the wall in front of them. His journals are piled over a stake of books and folders and half-finished sketches in one corner of the room. Just near a cabinet filled with lab supplies, more than one deadly poison, and something green that looks oddly like kryptonite. 

One thing is clear; she was right. Lex is definitely up to no good. 

“So, what are we looking for exactly?” Kara asks when Lena finally signals her that the coast is clear. 

“Anything that might tell us what his current plan is. I’ll go check his work station. You, take this-“Lena points to the pile of paper in the corner. “See if there is any mention of a new project he is working on or plans for world domination he hasn’t already tried". 

Lex’s desk is the only part in the room he seems to keep in perfect order. It’s empty, apart from a tablet, and a small cage containing a lizard-like creature that hisses at her when she tries to take a closer look. Lex, what the hell are you planning?

She grabs the tablet and wakes it back to life with a touch of her finger. The page it’s opened on is some sort of a formula, but more than half of it is crossed out and covered with so many adjustments and corrections it’s hard to see the origin underneath. The only reason Lena knows what it says is because she is the one who wrote it. 

The realization hits her like a bucket of ice. 

“I think I know what Lex is planning”. 

_

“What am I looking at?’ 

Kara is at Lena’s side as soon as she detects the change in her heartbeat. She stares at the tablet she hands her for a moment, before looking back at her, waiting for an explanation. Long minutes pass before Lena speaks. 

“It’s the formula I used for non nocere. Or at least, it used to be. Lex made all these changes to it I don’t entirely understand yet, but whatever he is planning...”

“It’s nothing good”. 

Kara can feel her heart sinks. Even in Lena’s misguided, yet well-intentioned hands, this project could have extremely dangerous consequences, but in Lex’s hands...

“I would argue good is a relative term, Miss Danvers”

Kara’s breath leaves her lungs when Lex’s voice fills the room. 

She and Lena exchange a look of matching horror as the man itself steps through the portal with a smug look on his face. 

“Well well well, what do we have here?”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is doing okay and staying safe. Hope this chapter can bring you a little bit of joy during this bizarre period we are in. We are getting closer to the end of this fic 😀 there are still a couple more chapters left and an epilogue so don't worry, there is still time for things to get better. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/mayainwritingland/) 😊


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some violence and abusive behavior. Nothing too graphic, but prepare yourself if you need to.

Lena’s whole body freezes. She can’t breathe. She can’t move. She can’t do anything but look at Kara helplessly.  _ Lex knows Lex knows Lex Knows. _ The portal closes behind Lex, and the front door sealed with a sharp, metal click. They are trapped. 

Kara is the first to come to her senses, moving instinctively to shield Lena. 

“Kara, is that a way to treat your future brother in law?” Lex clucks his tongue in mock disapproval. 

“I always knew you are weak Lena, but dating a Kryptonian? This world was definitely full of surprises. I have to say your little show was quite impressive. I even believed you for a second there. But I know you, Lena. I knew as soon as you remembered” 

A chill spreads all over Lena’s body. 

“Did you really think I won’t notice you two sniffing around? Hacking to my secret server? Asking questions? Stalking me? It’s a little offensive” 

Of course Lex knew. How could she be so stupid? How could she let herself believe they can outsmart him?

“It’s not like I expected a warm family reunion. But trying to shot me again? your own brother? That is a cold hearted move.” Lena can almost sense pride in his voice.

“But I’m ready to put all of that behind us. I know you miss having me as a partner, to have someone who is a match to your intelligence by your side. I miss it too. Think about all the things we can achieve together”. 

“Don’t listen to him” Kara hisses. 

“You are right. I do miss you. I miss the brother who used to come to every science competition I attended and took the blame when we exploded the kitchen in one of our experiments. The brother who taught me how to play chess and told me my ideas are terrible, until we found a way to make them better, together. But he is gone. It took me a long time to realize it, but I know it now. And you are delusional if you think I would ever agree to work with you”.

The look in Lex’s eyes is dangerous.

“I’m going to ask it one more time. Join me, and all would be forgiven. Join me and we would be invincible”. 

“No”

“That’s too bad. For you, I mean, not for me. You see, I don’t need you, Lena. Call me nostalgic, but I thought it would be nice to work together, for old times sake. But I always have a backup plan and I have a special one, just for you”. 

“Whatever you are planning, it won’t work,” Kara says “We will always find a way to stop you” 

There is confidence in her voice, but Lena can feel her body shaking beside her. 

Lex smirks and the room turns a dangerous shade of green. Kara falls to the ground, unconscious. 

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” he asks her still form. 

“Relax, It was just a simple cocktail of kryptonite and anesthetic,” he answers to Lena’s horrified expression. 

“She would be fine, for now” 

Lena kneels beside Kara, Panic clutching at her heart. She is unconscious, but she is breathing normally, and it eases some of the anxiety in Lena’s chest. 

“I won’t let you hurt her,” she says with what little boldness she has left. 

Lex smiles, predatorily. 

“Give me a little credit, dear sister, I’m not going to hurt her. You are” 

All the dots are coming together now, leaving Lena with a sickening feeling. He is going to use her to hurt Kara. Her throat is dry. Her heart is pounding. She has to get out of there. But before the thought fully formed in her mind, a needle punctures her skin and everything goes black. 

_

Kara wakes up on the floor of the lab, every nerve in her body aching in pain. She can still sense the Kryptonite in her system, but the effect is weaker now, and she is able to get to her feet, scanning her surrounding in an attempt to understand what she is up against.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty” Lex calls from the farther end of the room. 

He is standing next to a treatment bed, examines the unconscious figure that lays there. 

Kara’s stomach turns when she realizes that's Lena. 

Her eyes are opened, glowing in the familiar blue shade of Obsidian North contact lanes.

“What are you doing to her?” 

“Let’s just say I’m giving her some upgrades” 

She takes a step forward (To get to Lena? To punch Lex in the face? She isn’t entirely sure) and immediately pushed back by some sort of force field. Her head hits something sharp when she falls, and she struggles to get up, blood running down her face.

Lex just laughs. 

“Did you really think I’d let you get in my way?” 

There is warm rage climbing up her body and her heat vision burst out uncontrollably. It hits the invisible barrier and Kara is being pushed back once again, just barely managing to stay on her feet. 

“I’d have saved this for the main show if I was you” 

“What are you doing to her?” she asks again, emphasizing every syllable. 

“I’m giving her a much-needed system update” Lex answers with an air of nonchalant. 

“You see, my little sister was so narrow-minded, so focused on making people better that she didn’t even realize what a powerful tool she had in her hands. Why would eliminate people's ability to hurt one another when you can control it, and use them to your own advantage?” a wide, maniac smile spreads on Lex’s face. 

“When our sweet Lena wakes up, all she would have is her deep dark impulses, all she would feel would be pain and rage and betrayal. What do you think would happen to you then?” 

Kara struggles to keep her breath even.

“No. Lena is strong. She is good. Even at her worst, she never wanted to kill me. She only wanted to make the world better. She would never do something like that”

“You are right. Normally she wouldn’t. But if you take away her impulse control, her better judgment, her love, her compassion…” 

“You are a monster” 

Her whole body is shaking in rage. Red, burning rage. Never in her life she wanted to kill someone as much as she wants to kill Lex at this very moment. 

“Process complete, the patient is gaining consciousness” a mechanic voice declares, and Lex hums in satisfaction. 

“Enjoy your last moments on earth, Supergirl” he presses a button on his watch and steps into the newly formed portal. 

“Remember to lock the door behind you,” Lex says with a grin, before disappearing into thin air. 

_

“What happened?” 

Lena sits up in the bed, looking confused and disoriented. Her eyes are back to their usual color, and for a moment, Kara lets herself believe Lex failed. 

“Lena” she breathes in relief, but as soon as Lena’s attention turns to Kara, all her hope is gone. 

“You” 

The looks Lena gives her (Dark. Cold) turns her stomach upside down. 

Lena jumps from the bed and stops in front of her. Kara doesn’t dare to move. Her heart pounds loudly in her chest.

“You are bleeding,” Lena says, reaching out to touch the side of Kara’s head with an awe. 

She looks at the blood on her fingers, licking her lips like the thought of Kara’s vulnerability causes her great joy. 

Kara knows she needs to move. She needs to find a way out of here. She needs to stop Lena before she gets a hand on one of Lex’s weapons and it would be too late. 

But something keeps her glued to her place. She can’t hurt Lena. Can’t treat her like an enemy even when she is acting like one. Her Lena must still be in there somewhere, right? Maybe she can get to her. She can get to her. She has to get to her. 

“Lena. I know you are hurt. I get it. You have every reason to be angry at me. But this isn’t you. You don’t want to kill me.” Kara’s voice shakes. “It’s what Lex wants, he did something to you, but you are stronger than this, you can fight it. Please fight it” 

“How typical of you to put the blame on someone else” Lena says coldly. 

“Did Lex lie to me for years? Did Lex pretend to be my best friend while his alter ego judged my every move? Did Lex treat me like a villain?”

Kara swallows. 

“No. You are right. That was me. But you know I didn’t mean it like that, you know I never wanted to hurt you. We talked about it. You said you want things to get better” 

“Maybe they can’t. Maybe I don’t want them to. Maybe you don’t deserve my forgiveness. I was in love with you. I would have done everything for you, and you didn’t even though I deserve your trust. Do you have any idea how this feels?” 

“You Were- I’m sorry” Kara whispers. “I know It doesn’t mean much now, but I’m sorry. I truly am sorry” 

Lena’s face hardens. “Time for sorrys is over” 

“Activate Lexosuit” 

In one swift motion, the suit dive from its place on the wall and wrapped itself around Lena’s  body. 

With a sinking heart, Kara braces herself for a fight. 

_ 

“Ready to surrender, Supergirl?” 

Kara feels like a thousand tiny blades are cutting through her skin. They are fighting for what seems like hours, and every single part of her aches and burns.

Lena stands over her, victoriously.

This is the picture that would be plastered all over the news later, Lena, looking oddly small in the bulky suit without her helmet, blood dripping from a nasty cut on her forehead and a wide, terrifying smile is plastered across her face. 

She looks beautiful. She looks dangerous. Kara wonders if this is how she is going to die. 

There is a roaring crowd around them, calling her to get up, but Kara’s body fails her. 

It’s her fault. (Okay, it is 98 percent Lex’s fault, but the other two percent are all Kara’s). Lena isn’t a match to her powers (despite showing impressive fighting skills), but she has Kryptonite, and Kara should have been more careful. She didn’t want to hurt Lena. She tried to get through to her in every possible way she could think of, but her armor stays intact and there is nothing she could say to keep the blows from coming. 

“Lena, please” 

She tastes blood on her tongue. Somewhere in the distance, a familiar voice cries out to her, but it sounds far away, light years away, maybe. 

The only thing she can focus on is Lena.

Lena, who looks just as tired as Kara feels. 

Lena, who eyes her in what almost feels like hesitation. 

Lena, who falls backward as something hits her right in the chest. 

_

At first, it looks like any other fight. Just another Friday and another attack on the city Supergirl would deal with in time for game night. Alex could never completely get used to seeing her little sister fighting dangerous aliens on live TV, but as time passed and her confidence in Kara’s ability grew stronger, her anxiety lessened a bit. So when the images show all over the DEO screens, Alex doesn’t think much about this. Yes, Kara doesn't answer her coms, and it’s a bit alarming, but even as she quickly assembles a backup team and heads out, she doesn’t really think she has something to worry about. 

She was wrong. 

Kara dances around her rival, carefully avoiding most of their blows, but she isn’t fighting back. It looks like she is trying to talk the other person out of whatever it is they are trying to achieve, and okay, it’s hardly the first time she tries something so foolish, but it leaves her vulnerable and eventually, one of the blows knocks her off her feet. 

Two things happen at once. Kara falls to the ground, shattering the sidewalk underneath her, and the helmet falls from her rival face. 

Alex has no idea what is happening. She feels like the whole world is upside down and air can’t get into her lungs. The person inside the suit is Lena Luthor. 

It doesn’t make any sense, but Alex has no time to look for reason. Lex is shouting at her to stay back, to let Supergirl handle this on her own, but Alex is barely listening at this point and she launches forward, knocking Lena to the ground with one good shot. 

Kara is losing consciousness when she gets to her. She is in a pretty bad shape, her system flooded with Kryptonite, and Alex pushes all her feelings aside and starts to take care of her. 

_

Lex is stitching her forehead when Lena wakes up. She startled and tries to push him away because what the fuck, but Lex pins her to the bed with one arm. 

“Try not to move, you don’t want it to leave an ugly scar” 

She lays frozen as he finishes working on her face, struggling to remember how she got there. 

The answer is at the tip of her tongue, but Lena can’t reach it. There is a fug clouding her mind, her head feels heavy, her body stiff and sore. Lena looks around, trying to find clues in her surroundings. She is at the DEO, but it’s not the med bay. It’s one of the cells they use to hold prisoners. Is she a prisoner?

The memories off the past few hours start to come back to her. Slowly. Painfully.

“I’m not going to hurt her. You are”. 

“Lena, please”

No. Lena holds on to the side of the bed, her stomach dropping down down down. 

Kara. She needs to see Kara. 

“What did you say?” Lex asks, “Oh, do you want to see your girlfriend?” 

Lena grabs his collar with all the strength she got.

“Where. Is. Kara”

“I love this fire on you sis, but there is no need to be upset, Kara is right here” 

He presses the remote control in his hand and the screen above Lena’s bed wakes to life. 

“Live stream from the med bay, you are welcome” 

Kara lays still, looking pale and vulnerable. There is an oxygen mask on her face and tubes attached to her body and Lena’s heart is in too many pieces she has no idea if she would ever be able to put it back together. 

But Kara is Alive. Lena holds on to that fact, tells it to herself over and over until she feels like she can breathe again. Kara is going to be okay. She has to be. Lena would never forgive herself if she wouldn’t. She would never forgive herself period. 

“I have to say I’m quite impressed. I wasn’t sure you had it in you.” he looks at her like a proud big brother, like Lena just won a debate contest and not almost killed her best friend. She feels sick. 

“Of course, It would have been better if Agent Danvers wouldn’t have interfered and stopped you, but you can’t always get what you want. I’ll just have to finish the job myself” 

The casual way he says it makes Lena’s blood freeze. 

“No,” she says weakly. 

She can’t take it. Can’t bear it. Can’t hold any more pain. 

“Don't look so disappointed,” Lex says, gloating “I’m giving you a front row seat”.

_

She feels numb. Paralyzed.

Lena can't tear her eyes away from Kara's unconscious figure. She did this. Oh god, she did this. There was a part of her, ugly and ruthless, and buried deep down that came to the surface when Lex altered her mind. A part of her who is capable of inflicting so much pain. 

She is going to spend the rest of her life trying to make up for it, even if it means spending them in this cell, but first, she has to save Kara. She has to stop Lex before it’s too late. 

Determination fills in Lena’s body, clearing the rest of the fog from her mind. 

There is no way out of this cell (She knows. She designed it herself) but maybe, if she can just talk to the one person who might believe her, the one person who would put Kara's wellbeing above everything else…

_

“Lena is asking for you” 

Alex is pacing around the conference room for the past hour. There is nothing more she can do for Kara but waiting for the sun lamps to do their job, nothing to do but let her thoughts spiral and drive herself crazy.

Lex already gave his version of the events to the press. Painting Lena as dangerous and unstable and apologizing for not seeing it sooner. But Alex knows it’s not just Supergirl Lena hurt. It’s Kara. The woman she is dating. Her best friend. And she doesn’t know what to believe.

She doesn’t know if she is ready to speak with Lena herself. But if anyone is going to give her some answer it’s her. 

Lena looks relieved to see her. Back in her pantsuit, she looks nothing like the person Alex saw earlier today. She looks… normal. Scared even. 

“Alex. Kara is still in danger. It’s Lex. You have to stop him” 

The words leave Lena’s mouth in a rush, but they don’t make much sense and Alex feels like her brain is going to explode. 

“How could you?” she finds herself asking. “How could you do this to her?” 

Lena’s eyes shimmer with unshed tears. She looks just as broken as Alex feels like she barely manages to keep herself together, like the part that keeps her whole is missing and she might never get it back. 

“I know you have no reason to trust me, but you have to believe me. Lex is dangerous. He wants Kara dead. I don’t care what you do with me after that, but you have to save her.”

_ 

Alex wipes her tears quickly when Lex enters the med bay. 

“Lena is trying to blame you for everything. I think she completely lost touch with reality.”

Lex doesn’t look surprised. Just looks tired. Devastated. 

“I’m afraid so too” 

“I owe you an apology,” he says, “Both of you” Lex looks between her and Kara’s still body “I should have seen it coming. The signs were there, I just didn’t want to believe the worst about my sister” 

“That makes two of us” 

Alex says weakly. 

“How is she?”

“No change” 

Kara is stable at the moment, but her healing is slow, and Alex can’t be sure her injuries won’t have a permanent effect. She can’t tell know how long it would take her to wake up.

(If she wakes up)

“I found something in the lab that might help her,” Lex says. 

That catches Alex’s attention. 

He takes a syringe out of the pocket of his blazer and hands it to Alex. 

“I've been working on this since Supergirl’s last encounter with Kryptonite. It hasn’t been tested yet, but it should help filter out the Kryptonite from her body.”

Alex hesitates. 

“Is it safe?”

“It’s her best chance”

“Okay” Alex takes a deep breath and starts preparing Kara’s IV, but something stops her from completing the task. 

“What are you waiting for? Give it to her!” Lex calls, impatiently. 

“Maybe we should wait a little longer. It hasn’t been that long, maybe she could still recover on her own” 

“I know you are only looking out for your sister, but you need to listen to me. This could be her only chance to wake up” 

“No” Alex lets the syringe drop from her hand and it shatters to pieces, its content dripping on the floor and melting everything it touches.

It was poison. 

Lex changes before Alex’s eyes, the good guy mask is off and there is a dangerous look on his face. 

Instinctively she pulls out her gun. 

Lex laughs. 

“Do really think you have a chance against me?” 

Alex pulls the trigger. Lex clenches his fist and a robotic arm materializes around it, he catches the bullet mid-air, tossing it aside with a theatrical sigh, before firing back at Alex, sending her gun flying to the other side in the room. 

“Stubborn just like your sister I see, never know when to give up”

“Don’t you dare talk about Kara” 

There is hot rage behind her eyes and she charges forward, ready to kick and punch her way out of this situation like she does best, but before she manages to make another move Lex closes his bionic arm around her neck. 

“I didn’t come this far just to let a nuisance like you stop me” 

She struggles to break free, lungs gasping for air, but Lex is strong, and Alex's vision gets blurry, and for one scary moment she thinks she is going to lose. And then, with a bang, Lex leaves her neck and falls to the floor, unconscious. 

Lena is standing behind him, Alex’s gun still clutches in her hands.

“Took you long enough” 

Lena laughs shakily. 

“How about a thank you?” 

“Thank you. Really” Alex’s voice is sincere, “I don’t want to think about what could happen if I didn’t listen to you...”

A pained expression spreads on Lena’s face, and she nods. 

Lena approaches Kara’s bed hesitantly like it hurts to even look at her, lips shaking in an attempt not to cry. She presses a kiss to Kara’s hair and turns back to Alex with a look that means business. 

“Let’s get her out of here before he wakes up” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not sure what I think about this chapter. I had the first part planned out, and I know where I need the characters to be at the beginning of the next chapter, but I had nothing in the middle and it was a struggle. This is actually a completely different version from the one I wrote initially, and hopefully a better one (but more angsty I'm afraid). I can't believe we are almost at the end of this story, only 1-2 more chapters and an epilogue 😃  
> Tell me what you think?  
> You can find me here and on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/) 😊


	8. Chapter 8

Kara wakes up to the familiar feeling of sunlight on her skin. For a moment she just lays there, sucking in the warmth. She feels comfortable, safe. Slowly, she becomes aware of the sounds around her. There is loud music playing from a passing car, a few floors down a dog is barking, and somewhere nearby someone is pacing back and forth, back and forth to a rhythm Kara knows by heart. Alex. The warmth that spreads across Kara’s body is short-lived. There is another person in the room, another set of heartbeats Kara spent years memorizing, but for some reason the sound of Lena’s slow, steady heartbeat doesn’t have its usual calming effect. Something happened yesterday. Something bad. Something that has to do with Lena. The details are mostly out of focus, like a dream that is already slipping through her fingers but there is a knot in her stomach Kara is unable to ease.

The room around her is one she doesn't recognize. It’s not the glass walls and beeping monitors and constant movement she is used to waking up to at the DEO. It’s not her apartment or Alex’s or even Lena’s place, but somewhere new entirely.

The bed she is laying on isn’t even a bed. Just a dusty couch that faces the large window at the center of the room. Lena sleeps in an armchair next to her. A bandage covers most of her forehead, and there is swollenness under her eyes like she cried herself to sleep, but other than that she seems fine. 

I did this. Kara thinks. She tried so hard not to hurt Lena. She was painfully aware of how breakable she is. Even with the Lexsuit, she was still human. Still vulnerable, and the thought of causing her even the slightest pain… Kara couldn’t bear it. But maybe they are just destined to hurt each other over and over again. 

“Kara, thank god”

Alex gasps in relief when she sees her awake. She rushes to her side, checking her vitals and ordering Kara to follow the movement of her finger with her eyes and telling her to squeeze her hand, humming approvingly when Kara almost crashes her fingers. 

“Do you remember what happened?” she asks softly. 

Kara nods. 

“Is she…” 

“Back to herself?” Alex asks. “Yes”

Kara knew that already, knew that there was no way in the world Alex would have let Lena be anywhere near her if there was still a danger, but the confirmation eases some of the tension in Kara’s body. She closes her eyes, allowing herself one deep breath before turning her attention back to the present. 

“What is this place?”

“Somewhere Lex can’t find us”

Alex answers simply. 

“You know about Lex”

Relief fills in Kara's body. Alex nods and it looks like she wants to linger on the topic, to express her full dissatisfaction about being kept in the dark, but thinks better on it. 

“Lena told me everything” there is no anger in Alex’s voice when she says Lena’s name, only a touch of sadness. “She convinced me that Lex shouldn't be trusted and helped me get you somewhere safe before he was able to finish the job”. 

Alex looks tired. Like she spent the whole night worrying about her, and purple bruises are peeking under the collar of her shirt. 

“You are hurt.” Anxiety clutches to Kara’s chest. She feels like a failure, the worst Superhero that ever existed. 

“I’m fine” Alex covers her neck self cautiously and puts a calming arm on Kara’s shoulder. 

“Lena got there in time. But Kara…” The look in Alex’s eyes tells Kara she is in trouble. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

_Because I didn’t want us to end up where we are now. Because I didn’t want to put all this weight on your shoulders. Because I was afraid._

“You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you, how badly I needed your advice, but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to put you in danger."

“And you didn’t think not knowing my boss is actually a sociopath would put me in danger anyway?”

Alex’s voice is calm, but Kara can see how hard she tries to keep it together. 

“I know I know. I’m sorry. I just wanted to keep you safe” 

“I could have helped. I could have told you searching a suspect’s lab without backup is a stupid idea, I could have done something, I could have…” a sob escapes Alex’s lips. 

“I almost lost you”

Kara gets up and pulls Alex into a hug. 

“You didn’t lose me. I’m here. I’m right here” 

_

“I can’t imagine a reality where you two aren’t sickly in love” 

It’s a little later, the two of them sitting on the couch, nursing cups of hot chocolate between their hands, and sharing a bag of cinnamon rolls J’onn graciously went to get for them. (J’onn, as Kara learned, knew the truth all along and showed up with a getaway car just when they needed it).

Finally being able to talk to Alex is a huge relief. Kara didn’t realize how much she craved it, how much she needed her sister by her side. Alex lets her talk, listening carefully as Kara fills in all the gaps Lena didn’t have the time to explain. Kara can see she has follow-up questions, but she lets her finish her story, the wrinkle on her forehead getting bigger and bigger as Kara tries to explain the events of the crisis and this weird new reality she has woken up to. 

She takes it surprisingly well. Maybe because Alex’s life isn’t fundamentally different from the one she had before. She is still the director of the DEO, still in love with Kelly (Which she met under slightly different circumstances), she still lives in the same apartment and buys her coffee at the same place every morning. And maybe this is also why she seems bewildered to hear Kara and Lena’s current relationship status. 

Kara doesn’t know how to even begin to explain what Lena is for her. How can someone take so much space in her heart without her realizing what’s happening? How can someone become her everything, without making her pause and recognize her feelings for what they are? 

“When I woke up next to her that first morning” she begins, “It was everything I’ve ever wanted and didn’t dare to wish for. I don’t think I could explain what I felt before that, not even to myself, I didn’t know what to call it, not until I suddenly had Lena in my bed and everything clicked” 

Alex smiles at her sympathetically.

“It was similar with me and Maggie. I didn’t realize I was into her before she suggested it, and suddenly it was all I could think about” 

“I didn’t even know Lena was into women. Let alone into me. Rao, I didn’t even know I was into women. Does it mean I’m gay?” 

She lifts her gaze to see Alex looking at her with amusement.

“Why are you smiling?”

“I’m sorry” she is still smiling. “I just had the exact same conversation with you before you started dating Lena” 

“What did you say to me then?”

“That your feelings are valid whether you decide to put a label to them or not. And that you need to tell Lena how you feel, because I think she likes you very much and you should totally go for it” 

Kara sighs. 

“Things are a little more complicated now” 

“They don’t have to be” Alex says softly. “You love her, right?”

Kara nods. 

“I can’t speak for her, but if she is anything like the Lena I know, I’m pretty sure she loves you too” 

Kara looks at her miserably. She still feels pretty hopeless about the whole situation. She knows what she and Lena have. Knows all the ways they fit together like they were destined to end up just where they are. But what if it’s not enough? what if they took too many wrong turns to find their way back to each other? 

“We were in such a bad place before everything happened. We hurt each other so much and we just started to put things back together and after yesterday… I know it wasn’t really her. That she didn’t really mean the things she said. That she didn’t really want to hurt me, but there are so much hurt and anger still inside her, it makes it hard to believe we would ever be able to get past it” 

Her bottom lip trembles and this time it’s Alex turn to wrap Kara in her arms. 

“It won’t be easy, but if anyone can do it, it’s you and Lena” 

Kara hopes she is right.

_

Blue eyes are watching her when she wakes up. Lena didn’t intend to fall asleep. She couldn’t. Not with Kara still unconscious and Lex’s men after them and the way everything hurts so much. Her muscles, her head, her heart. 

Kara got better once they moved her out of the DEO. Lex must have done something to diminish the effect of the sun lamps, because the early morning light does wonders to Kara’s recovery and in just a few short hours her vitals starts to go back to normal. Alex offered her pain killers and tried to pursue Lena to get some rest (though she showed no intention to leave Kara’s side herself) and Lena refused to both, but her exhaustion wins in the end.

She must have slept for at least a couple of hours, because the room is so much brighter now, and Kara is awake and looks at her with an expression so mixed Lena isn’t sure what it means. It doesn’t matter. Kara is awake. That’s the only thing she cares about. A huge relief spreads all over her body. But there is still a part of her brain that refused to believe her eyes and she feels a sudden urge to touch her, to make sure this is real and as if Kara can sense that, she takes Lena’s palm in hers. The touch is comforting, reassuring. She can feel Kara’s pulse through her skin, can feel her warm and alive between her fingers. 

She can feel Kara’s eyes on her, but Lena doesn’t look at her, can’t look at her, doesn’t even want to try to interpret the expression on her face. Is she afraid of her? she should be, but something in Lena’s gut tells her the only things she could find in Kara’s eyes are love and trust and for some reason she dread it even more. Kara shouldn’t trust her. Kara shouldn’t be anywhere near her. All Lena is capable of is hurt and hurt and hurt. 

“Hey” Kara says just as Lena blurts out “I’m sorry”. 

Finally, Lena dares to meet Kara’s eyes. There is no fear in them. No anger. No disappointment. 

“I’m sorry too” 

Lena doesn’t get it. 

“What do you have to be sorry for?”

She was mad at Kara for so long. For withholding the truth from her, for not trusting her, for acting two-faced instead of letting her see her as the complex whole person that she really is. But she almost lost Kara today. She almost lost herself. And she doesn’t have any energy left to be angry. There is disappointment deep in her stomach, a deep lake of grief for all the things that have been robbed from her. For another Lena, happy and in love that she missed so much that it hurts. But maybe this isn’t Kara’s fault, maybe this isn’t anyone’s fault. Maybe they both just did what felt right at the time and they both made mistakes and Lena is so tired of holding up her wall when everything she wants to do is let Kara in. 

“Everything”

Kara says, and her gaze hovers over Lena’s forehead, her eyes shining with tears. She reaches out to cup Lena’s cheek, and neither one of them moves for a long breath. 

The moment is cut by the sound of the elevator, and they jerk apart quickly, and before either of them realizes what is happening they are being tackled by a very emotional Nia.

As it turns out, Nia’s dreams tried to warn her about Lex, but she didn’t understand what they mean until it was too late and they already walked into Lex’s trap. It takes Kara almost twenty minutes to calm her down, after relentless promises they aren’t mad at her and this was in no way her fault. 

Nia and Brainy seem to handle the news about Lex and the post-crisis world pretty well (The news about Nia’s OTP is an entirely different matter). With the team back together, J’onn and Alex take the lead and the crowded space is turn into a war room. While the others discuss their next move, Nia’s eyes trails between Kara and Lena, and as soon as she is able to drag Kara into a private corner, she asks “What’s the deal with you two? and why does it still feel like I’ve missed three episodes?”

Kara tells her everything. 

“This is worse than the time you guys almost broke up over the stupid ring incident” Nia concludes after a long silence. Kara doesn’t really know how to react to that. She has so many questions, starting with- what’s the deal with this ring she keeps hearing about? But Alex calls for their attention, and Kara pushes back this thought. _Later_ she tells herself and turns her focus to the fight ahead. 

_

_The search after Lena Luthor continues_ , says the title on the screen. "The 27 years old billionaire and sister of Nobel prize winner Lex Luthor is wanted since early this morning, after allegedly attacking national city favorite hero Supergirl and causing her severe injuries. Lena broke free from the DEO headquarters, where she’s been held, just a few hours after her capture. In his press conference, Lex Luthor urged the public to help with the search, revealing his sister’s unstable mental health and her obsession with Superpowers that drove her over the edge. Supergirl’s location and well-being are unknown at the moment."

The reporter keeps going, but Lena has already stopped listening. Her eyes are glued to the screen behind her, where a shaky video of the fight is being played. The Lena on the TV is a stranger. Lena remembers doing those things, remember the all-consuming rage that dictated her every movement, but witnessing it with her own eyes is absolutely terrifying.

She stumbles to the bathroom, and empties the content of her stomach into the toilet. Haunted eyes are looking back at her from the dirty old mirror, and Lena holds on to the sink, trying desperately to ground herself. She stays there for a couple more minutes, ignoring Kara’s persistent knocks, until she feels ready to face the others. 

_

Lena is avoiding her. 

The Apartment they are hiding in is small. It’s not really an apartment, but a dusty storage room over J’onn’s office, with a high ceiling and very little floor space, but Lena still manages to position herself as far away from Kara as the walls allow her. She spends most of the time arched over her makeshift workstation, trying to make something out of the little equipment J’onn had managed to steal back from her lab. Alex hovers around her, offering ideas and moral support, and Brainy visits a couple of times a day and does his best to help, but Lena still works herself to exhaustion, creating weapons and shields for their inevitable confrontation with Lex, and tries desperately to find a way to restore the memories of the entire world population.

Kara watches her from a distance. 

She spends most of her days curled up on the couch like a kitten, bathing in the sunlight that comes from the nearby window. They don’t have sun lamps to speed up her recovery, but this is the best next thing, and Kara is mostly healed by now, (even if her powers are still a little off) and she only stays in this position to keep Alex happy. 

She feels pretty useless. The others are working full time, planning, and spying and preparing and Kara's only job is to make sure her powers come back to full strength and she can't even do that properly. 

Lena doesn’t even look at her direction. She throws herself into work, refusing to join her and Alex for food breaks (Or coffee breaks, or any kind of break, really). She eats by her desk, if letting her fries get cold and throwing most of them away counts as eating, and only gives in to sleep when it’s almost time to get up again. 

Kara is worried about her. She is punishing herself, distancing herself from them. From Kara. And Kara doesn’t know how to reach out. It kills her, being so close to Lena, breathing the same dusty air and listening to the soundtrack of her heartbeats when she falls asleep at night, without being able to communicate with her.

It’s being three days of this and Kara had enough. Alex is helping J’onn with something downstairs, leaving the two of them alone in the room, and the quiet between them feels suddenly heavy. 

She makes Lena a cup of coffee like she made herself a habit of doing in the past few days, but this time she doesn’t leave once Lena accepts the mug. Instead, she lingers, taking the chair next to Lena and sips from her own mug, waiting for Lena’s reaction. 

Lena stiffens but she doesn’t react at first, just keeps working, doing her best to ignore Kara’s presence. She is obviously distracted, and after the third time she makes a calculation error and needs to start all over again she finally turns to Kara. 

“What do you want?”

She sounds tired. Defeated. 

“Did you hear about the time I was affected with red kryptonite?” Kara asks. 

Lena’s only reaction is a raised eyebrow, and Kara takes it as a sign to continue. 

“A little after I became Supergirl, I was affected with a substance that alters Kryptonians psychology” Kara takes a deep breath. She knows it was a long time ago, and it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, that she worked really hard to make the public trust her again and eventually succeed, but it’s still hard for her to talk about it. 

“It brought out the worst in me. I was uninhibited, and mean. I said horrible things to Alex. I got someone fired. I threw Cat Grant off her balcony. I almost killed Alex. It was like every bad thought I ever had was coming to the surface, and I couldn’t stop it”

Understanding dawns on Lena’s face. 

“I’m not saying it’s the same thing” Kara says quietly, “But if it felt anything like that, I can understand what you are going through. It took me so long to make the city believe in me again. To make me believe in myself again, but I did it, and so could you“. 

For a moment, it looks like she was able to get through Lena’s armor. She seems conflicted. Like she is fighting the parts of her that want to listen to Kara. 

“I appreciate what you are trying to do, but I’m beyond redeemable. I might not have been in control of myself yesterday, but I created the very formula that did it.” Lena makes an effort to keep her voice from shaking, to keep her emotions in check. But Kara can see right through it. 

“I was going to do the world what Lex did to me, and I know I was going to use it for good, that I had good intentions behind it, but I was still going to take away people’s free will. I’m sorry I didn’t see it before.”

There is a single tear rolling down Lena’s face, and Kara feels a sudden urge to reach out and wipe it. 

“I deserve what Lex did to me” there is something dangerous in Lena’s tone. Something that makes Kara’s heart quickens. She wants to protest, wants to tell Lena she didn’t deserve any of it. That she is allowed to make mistakes. Even big, fatal ones, if she is going to let Kara guide her back to the light every single time. 

Lena’s next words make her blood freeze. 

“You should have just killed me” 

Lena is taken aback by it too. Like she didn’t mean to say it out loud. Like she didn’t know this is how she feels until the words came out of her mouth. But then something changes in her expression, and she lets herself fall apart. 

“Why didn’t you just kill me so I wouldn’t have to fight another day pretending I’m anything but the Luthor I am? “ 

Lena is shaking uncontrollably, and Kara quickly wraps her arms around her. 

“No” She says firmly. “I don’t want you to ever think that. You, Lena Luthor are one of the most wonderful, compassionate, kind people I know. And I would never stop believing in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. You are worth fighting for. “

And just like that, Lena’s muscles relax under her touch. 

_

Kara releases her slowly and presses a kiss right near her bandage. She kisses Lena’s fingers one by one, before intertwining them with her own. Then she trails kisses up Lena’s arms, kissing better every little scratch and blue mark

Lena can’t breathe. Kara barely touches her, but it feels like fire. It feels like everything. Then she does the only thing she can do, the only thing her body is craving for and Lena is so tired of resisting. She kisses her.

There is a split second, when Kara’s body tenses in surprise and Lena wants to bury herself in humiliation, but then the moment is gone and Kara melts under her touch. She kisses back. Hungrily. Messily. Like she wanted to do it for so long. There are two Lena’s roaring inside her now, the Lena who knows Kara’s lips, and the one who doesn’t. The one who knows every inch of Kara’s body and the one who spent the better part of the past three years craving this. 

Kara is holding back, like Lena is something delicate she is afraid of breaking, like she (no not she, the other Kara) used to do when they just started dating, before they found the right balance, and maybe it’s a good thing, since Lena’s head is still pounding and one of her ribs is most definitely cracked but it doesn’t stop her from pressing harder and harder into the kiss. 

It’s Kara who pulls back eventually. Pressing their foreheads together and waiting for Lena to catch her breath. 

“Hi” she says bashfully. 

A smile creeps on Lena’s face. 

“Hi”

There are still things to talk about, guilt and anger and an evil brother to defeat. But there is hope blooming inside Lena’s chest, a tiny voice that whispers they are going to be just fine and for a moment, Lena lets herself believe it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/) 😊


	9. Chapter 9

Kara shouldn't be this happy. 

They are no closer to defeat Lex than they were yesterday and she is stuck in this tiny room for the foreseeable future, forced to sit and wait while Lex is out there playing the hero, but she still hasn’t quite managed to take the smile off her face. Lena is here with her, and they are okay, better than okay, and maybe Kara doesn’t mind staying in this little bubble for a little while longer. 

She feels like she possesses the power of a thousand yellow suns. She wants to fly and dance and sing sappy musical songs. She is definitely singing internally. Lena sends her a look across the room like she knows what goes through Kara’s head, eyebrow raised and lips parted in a secret smile. Kara wants nothing more than to go over there and kiss her, but this thing between them is still so very new and fragile and they agreed to keep it under the radar for the time being. 

(As under the radar as they can while sharing a crowded space with a telepath, a 12 level intellect, the founder of their fan club and Alex Danvers). 

After Kara proves she can fight Lena’s flying robots without breaking a sweat, Alex finally agrees to releases her from bed rest. Now, when she is allowed to be up on her feet, she spends her days alternating between sharpening her fighting skills and helping Lena out with her inventions. She finds out she loves watching Lena works. She loves the little crinkle that shows up on her forehead when she is concentrating, she loves running ideas with her and not having to pretend she doesn’t understand the science behind it. She loves simply existing around Lena. Making sure she eats and stealing kisses when no one is looking.

Alex looks at Kara with a knowing gaze and goes back to explain the best way to beat a person in a Lexosuits when Kara is distracted by a sound coming from the bottom floor. Someone is knocking on the door, and there is a knot tightening in her stomach when she sees who it is. 

“It’s Andrea,” She says and turns to Lena, “I think she is looking for you”.

_

“Nia, which part of “we need to keep this hideout a secret” you didn’t understand?” Alex’s hisses angrily. 

Nia’s face is bright red, and she looks at the floor like she is hoping it would open up and swallow her. 

“I’m sorry, she must have followed me when I left CatCo. I thought I’m being careful” 

“Obviously you weren't”

Kara puts a calming hand on Alex’s shoulder. 

“Enough, it’s not Nia’s fault” 

“It doesn't matter whose fault it is. There is an 87 percent chance Andrea never finds this room if J’onn and Nia would go downstairs right now and pretend they are just meeting for coffee” Brainy offers, and they both nod in agreement and heads for the elevator. 

“No” Lena’s voice stops them. “Andrea is a friend. She deserves to know what’s going on”. 

_

Lena doesn’t know if she can trust Andrea. She already made this mistake once before, and it cost her everything. Nothing can promise her Andrea would stay loyal to her this time around. And yet… 

Lena painfully remembers how it felt like to be out of the loop. She thinks back of all those times Kara disappeared for days, recovering after a bad fight or saving the day in a parallel universe, and Lena was left to stare at her quiet phone and fear the worst. 

(She is hurt, she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, she left her). 

She thinks of how worried and confused Andrea must be, watching the news and trying to make sense of everything and she can’t do it to another person. After all their years of friendships (real and fake), Lena owes her at least a little bit of honesty. And if it would turn out to be a mistake, she knows better than to let herself be heartbroken over it. 

_

“You jump, I jump remember?” 

Andrea is definitely shaken by the news, but she looks at Lena the way she hasn’t look at her in years, with so much love and care and worry, and Lena has always been a softy for those eyes, and her stupid little heart melts. God, she missed her. 

Andrea was always her almost. Lena remembers all those charged hugs. The stares. All those times she woke up next to her, longing for something she didn’t dare to name. She always thought that in a world where Andrea never betrayed her, maybe, if they live in the same time zone, if they both single at the same time... and then she woke up in this new reality, and Andrea is still Andrea, and there is a part of Lena that will always be half in love with her, but her heart only wants to sing Kara’s name. 

_

Kara doesn’t like it. She can hear the way Lena’s heart quickens when Andrea hugs her, arms wrap around Lena’s shoulders in a way that looks a little too intimate, and something roars inside her stomach. From the moment she first met Andrea, she knew she is going to be trouble. (The way she marched into James's office unannounced and start measuring the windows, the way Lena’s name rolled on her tongue, soft and slightly possessive, like Lena is somehow hers in a way Kara would never know). 

She is being silly. Lena is allowed to have more friends (Even annoyingly gorgeous ones) and it’s not like Kara has a monopoly on who Lena gets to hug. She has no right to be jealous. It’s not like they had much time to discuss what exactly they are to each other. There hasn’t been much time for more than stolen kissed and promises for Later. And while Kara thinks (hopes, really) she knows where they are going, she has no reason to get into a jealous girlfriend mode. 

(She is in fact, very very jealous).

“It was nice of you to tell Andrea the truth. To trust her like this” she says when they have a moment to themselves. Because she is proud of Lena for letting her guard down, for believing in someone and wanting to do the right thing. Even if this someone is Andrea Rojas.

“I don’t know if  _ trust _ is the word I would use” Lena’s eyes seem distanced “There was a lot of bad blood between us in the old timeline, but it felt right, telling her. Maybe I’m starting to believe in second chances” Her eyes sparkle when she looks at her, and Kara can’t help but smile from ear to ear. She loves having that effect on Lena. But she also can’t help but wonder…

“So you and Andrea, you were…”

“We were...?” Lena raises an eyebrow. 

“Nothing” Kara feels her face heats up. “I just thought-”

"Kara..." a wicked smile spreads on Lena's lips. "Are you jealous?"

Kara swallows. Lena looks pleased with herself. She is eyeing Kara like she is seeing her for the first time and Kara feels heat spreading down her body. 

“No” she tries to deny. Lena gives her a look. “Okay. Yeah, maybe a little” she bites her lips. “Is that okay?”

Lena hums in response. 

She likes seeing Kara like that, all flushed because of her. She is still having a hard time believing it. Kara likes her. Kara looks at her with all this wanting and Lena wishes they were alone so she could lean forward and check how exactly Kara’s body reacts to her. Kara seems to have the same idea, because she is suddenly very close to her, and Lena should probably just kiss her, even if Nia is totally eyeing them suspiciously from the other side of the room. It's not like they are fooling anyone anyway. So she does just that, grabbing Kara’s sweatshirt and crashing their lips together. Kara makes a small sound of satisfaction, eyes closed and a silly smile on her face and Lena is absolutely doomed.

_

"Is that the part where you ask me to do a classic hope speech?" 

"Yeah, pretty much" 

Kara doesn't feel very heroic at the moment. She is sprawled on the couch after spending the past hour inhaling most of the pizza J'onn ordered them, and there is a big hole in one of her socks, but everyone still looks at her like she can magically fix things. She is having a hard time believing it herself. 

With her new Kryptonite shield and the assistant of the Superfriends, she is ready to take down Lex once and for all. The problem is there is no taking Lex down without showing the world who he is, first. Kara knows it. They all know it. This is why they keep hiding here instead of going after Lex the minute she got her powers back. He is too powerful. Even if they manage to outsmart him, they can’t bring him to justice when everyone believes he is a hero. 

Normally, this would have been a job for Kara Danvers. She didn’t realize how much she missed doing hardcore journalism in the past couple of months. She has the whole article planed in her mind, paragraph after paragraph about Lex’s lies and manipulation, but without evidence to backup her claim, and her very public relationship with Lex's sister, it might do more damage than good. The last thing they need is people to think this is just another conspiracy theory. But a good old Supergirl speech might be just what they need to undermine Lex’s credibility. 

The thing is, ever since she found herself in this new reality, Kara has problems channeling Supergirl’s voice. The girl of steel here is just a pale copy of who she used to stand for, and Kara isn’t so confident she can do this. In a world where Lex is considered just as heroic as Supergirl, why would anyone take her word over his? But it’s their best chance, their only chance, really and Kara has to at least try. 

_

“It might help if you join her” 

Kara is already in the suit, pacing back and forth nervously, as she goes over her speech, but something feels off about the way she is holding herself. Lena has at least twelve different reasons to why she should stay away from the cameras at the tip of her tongue, but Andrea is giving her that look, the one that says she knows she is right and maybe Lena doesn’t have a good reason, just a lot of excuses. 

Kara looks Surprised when she takes the seat next to her, but some of the tension leaves her body. Andrea turns on the camera and Lena reaches out for Kara's hand under the table. They can do this. Together. 

_

“People of National City. I know things are scary and confusing at the moment, that you saw me, your hero, get hurt by someone that you all trusted. Lex Luthor told you one version of this story, but we are here today to tell you the truth” 

She presses Lena’s hand gently, giving her an encouraging nod.

Lena takes a deep breath. 

“I know you don’t have a lot of reasons to trust me right now. But I hope you can listen to me when I say I’m not the villain in this story. My brother is. He isn’t who he claims to be.”

_

It worked. They actually did it. #LexLuthorisafraud is trending on twitter in just a few hours, and more people are coming forward to tell about shady things Lex was involved in, and express their support. It’s not enough to dethrone him just yet (The secret lab is gone when the police come to investigate, and while Alex contact at the NCPD agrees it doesn’t smell good, they have no evidence to move forward with), but it’s a start. 

Sooner or later Lex would strike, and when he does, they would make sure his true face would be revealed to the world in all its ugliness.

_

“Show me what you got Luthor”

Lena swallows. Even in the sweatpants she is wearing for the past three days, and with dark circles under her eyes, Alex looks pretty intimidating. Lena has taken a good deal of self-defense class over the years, she knows how to aim a gun and was even a local Fencing champion for a hot minute in her teens, but for the most part, Lena relied on her mind, more than on her fighting skills to save her in dire situations. 

She built herself a fancy new war suit, as one does when their evil brother put a target on their back, and although she isn’t really planning on using it unless it would be absolutely necessary, Alex insisted on teaching her a few moves. (“We need to work on your fighting skills, because what I saw the other day definitely needs improvement “ “I was brainwashed!”). Alex doesn’t go easy on her, and Lena finds herself on the ground over and over again, but she gets the hangs of it eventually, and when Alex nods at her with approval Lena calls it a win. 

_

The more time passes without Lex making a move, the more anxious they are getting.

He is planning something, and they should be out there, stopping him, but for their plan to work they need to make him think the ball is in his court, which means, more waiting, something neither of them is very good at.

It’s Kara’s idea to do a movie night, because they are spending every waking moment training and preparing to take Lex down, and they all need a little break. Thankfully, the room has an old fashioned TV screen, and a box filled with old movie tapes, and Kara screams in delight when she pulls out “The Wizard of Oz”. No one dares to offer another movie. 

She is just about to get comfortable, a bowl of popcorn in one hand, and Lena’s head on her lap, when suddenly a high pitch sound is threatening to tear her eardrums.

"Supergirl" The voice sounds a little metallic, but it unmistakably belongs to Lex. Instinctively, Kara scans the room for his presence, but there is no sign of him but the ringing in her ears. The others are still watching the movie, unaware of any suspicious activity.

“I want to offer you a deal,” Lex says, and Kara’s breath catches in her throat. This can’t be good. “You have an hour to turn yourself in before the bombs I’ve planted in various alien business and shelters around the city goes off. I’ll be waiting for you in the Luthor manor. Come alone, and you can save your little alien friends lives” The line is cut and Kara gets up abruptly, startling Lena. 

“What’s wrong?” 

_

  
  


The Luthor manor always gave Kara the creeps. With all the oil painting and the long, dark corridors, it looks like something out of a Victorian novel. She can't imagine what was it like to grow up in this place. She breaks a window on her way in just to piss Lex off and finds him waiting for her in the living room.

“I knew you won’t resist the urge to save the day one last time” Lex almost sounds bored. He barely lifts his eyes from the TV screen, where a live feed of five different buildings in National City is presented. Five bombs.

“I’m here. I did my part, now it’s your turn, defuse the bombs” 

Lex lets out a dry laugh. “And why would I do that?”

Kara needs to use every bit of self-restraint she has to not punch him in the face right now. There would be plenty of time for punching later. 

“Sorry, I thought you care about innocent lives, my bad” 

“Of course I care about innocent lives, Supergirl. It’s tragic really. Those poor families. But LuthorCorp is going to be there to support them and protect the city from anything like this happening ever again. And with you gone, and my dear sister locked away, they would finally see me as the true hero” 

Tremor goes through Kara’s body. 

“No. You are a monster. People would never believe you. Not anymore” 

“Oh you thought your little speech is going to be enough to take me down?” he says mockingly. 

“People are fools. They would believe what I want them to believe, don’t you get it? you can’t beat me, I’m a Luthor” 

“No. I get it perfectly. Did you caught that too Andrea?”

“I and CatCo five million subscribers” Andrea’s voice sounds through the comes and Kara lets a victorious smile spread on her face. 

“Now the world know exactly who you are”

“You tricked me” Lex’s face wears an ugly expression and for a moment Kara thinks he is going to try to hit her with his bare hands (she would love to see him try). “You are going to pay for this” he hisses, and his war suit materializes around his body. Kara barely manages to activate her Kryptonite shield in time. 

The blast hits a bookcase and sends books and wood pieces flying around the room. She uses Lex momentary disorientation to her advantage and aims her hit vision to his helmet, remembers Lena saying it is the weakest part of the suit. It doesn’t come apart completely, but a deep crack is formed in the middle of it. Lex looks furious. She is knocked off her feet a moment later, not expecting the force of the next blast. 

“Kara watches out!” Lena’s frantic voice sounds from her earpiece, and Kara force herself off the floor and away from Lex’s line of fire 

She can hear Lena breathe in relief.

“Alex is on her way with the NCPD. The others will join you after they finish evacuating the buildings. Just keep him busy for a little longer, okay?” 

“Don’t worry. I got this”

She can hear Lena’s erratic heartbeats, but her voice is steady when she speaks. 

“Give him one good punch and the hamlet should come off easily” 

Kara does as she instructs and the helmet break in half, leaving Lex’s face exposed. He screams in pain, or maybe just frustration, blood dripping from his broken nose, but he doesn’t miss a beat and fires directly at her shield, overflowing the system with Kryptonite until it fails to function properly and a familiar sickening feeling spreads through Kara’s body. 

_

Kara is losing. The camera on Supergirl’s suit must have been damaged because the picture on Lena's computer is fuggy, but Kara’s sharp cry of pain is unmistakable. Lena failed her. The Kryptonite armor didn’t hold long enough, and Lena can hear her breathes heavily, clearly still trying to fight, but she won’t be able to hold Lex off for much longer. Lena has to do something.

They are in Lena’s old bedroom because this was the easiest place in the house for them to sneak up to without Lex noticing. Andrea is sitting crossed-legged on her bed, one hand touching her earpiece and her forehead wrinkled in concentration, and in any other situation, Lena wouldn’t have been able to stop the wave of nostalgia from washing over her. 

“It’s J’onn. all the buildings are cleared and they are heading over here”

“They won’t be able to make it in time”

“I know” 

They are both quiet for a long breath. 

What do you want to do? Andrea’s eyes are asking, and Lena has no idea what the answer is. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Kara wasn't supposed to face Lex alone. Lena feels frozen. Paralyzed.

But somewhere downstairs Kara is still fighting, and Lena forces herself do take a few deep breaths. All they need is a simple distraction. Inspiration strikes her at once and she searches frantically through the pile of equipment she brought until she finds the flying robots they use in their training. They aren’t incredibly strong, but hopefully, the element of surprise would be enough to catch Lex off guard. 

_ It has to be enough.  _

_

Miraculously, Kara is still standing. Her shield still manages to filter about seventy percent of the Kryptonite, but the other thirty quickly spreads through her blood system, making her extremely nauseous, and light-headed. She manages to give Lex a few punches and a shiny black eye, but it’s not enough to knock him unconscious, and she is using every bit of strength she has left just to keep going. When she falls to the floor, she can hear Lex rush to get to her and finish the job and she doesn’t know if she would be able to get up fast enough. But Lex stops midway through, his attention clearly shifted, and Kara opens her eyes to see him struggling against a couple of flying objects. 

_ Lena.  _

Slowly, she gets up, leaning carefully against the wall behind her as she lets all the hurt and anger build up behind her eyes, and aims her heat vision directly at the center of Lex’s suit. It’s incredibly draining, and she is screaming from the effort, but eventually, there is a loud cracking sound and the suit falls apart pieces by piece, and the man inside falls motionless to the floor. Kara collapses to her knees, the world spinning around her. 

Warm hands are wrapped around her moments later. She lets herself be held, focusing on Lena’s heartbeats to ground her back to reality. 

“You did it” Lena whispers into her hair.

It’s a little painful, but Kara turns her head slowly, blinking rapidly until she manages to focus on Lena’s eyes.

“We did” 

_

Later, after Lex is locked up in the special prison they arrange for him, after the chargers against Lena are dropped and the press conferences are dealt with, after an emergency board meeting where Lena is made the new CEO of Luthor Corp and a long day of calls and interviews and hours under the sun lamps, they sit on the couch in Kara’s apartment with a mountain of potstickers before them and finally let themselves breathe and relax and process the past few weeks. 

They talk, about the past, about the present, about mistakes and regrets and promises to do better. Lena’s eyes shine when she tells Kara about what she remembers from the new timeline, the big moments, and the little moments and everything in between. Kara wishes she could remember it. 

“Do you think it was real, that it really happened?”

Lena thinks for a moment. “It was real to me. I’d like to believe those versions of us still exists somewhere, frozen in time”. 

“Yeah. Me too”

It’s comforting to know somewhere out there, there is a universe where she got it right from the very beginning. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more like her” There is a pinch of guilt in Kara’s stomach. “If I was as brave or as open as that Kara was, everything could have been so different”. 

“No” Lena takes Kara’s hands in hers. “Getting to experience this new timeline, it was… wonderful, and I’m glad I got to have that, even just for a little while, but this isn’t our world. 

This Lena… She isn’t me. I’m shaped by my experiences, for good and for bad, and I don’t want to be someone else. Just like I don’t want you to be someone else. I don’t want another Kara, I want you”. 

Kara’s brain stops working for a good three seconds. Lena wants her. Her heart is dancing wildly in her chest and she struggles to find something coherent to say and settles on leaning forward and kissing her, hoping it can convey all the words that stand on the tip of her tongue. 

_

  
  


Kara wakes up to the warm feeling of another body pressed against her. Lena's arms are wrapped around her back, their legs are tangled together, and there is a feeling in Kara’s stomach she hasn't felt in a very long time. 

She is happy.

“Good morning” 

Lena is smiling at her. Her eyes look even greener in the sunlight, her hair lays on her shoulders in soft waves, and Kara doesn’t remember when was the last time she saw her so relaxed. Her lips stretch into a matching, big, bright smile. 

“Good morning”

_

  
  


Kara is happy. Really, truly happy. So of course her mind is looking for reasons to doubt it. It’s just a nagging thought at first. Something she is able to shove away while they drink their coffee (Lena makes her one with caramel and extra whipped cream and she decides she is definitely keeping the espresso machine. Or maybe she is just keeping Lena). But when Lena is going through her emails and Kara pulls out her laptop and starts working on the article Andrea asked her to write about Lex’s fall from power, the thought starts nibbling at the back of her mind. She never found out the truth about the ring incident. Lena didn’t mention it when they talked about the other timeline, and she can’t help but wonder if it was on purpose. A marriage proposal sounds like something worth mentioning, especially if they almost broke up because of it. But maybe Lena just didn’t want to freak her out with thoughts about marriage when they barely even started dating in this world. That sounds like a reasonable enough explanation right? problem solved. Except she can’t stop thinking about it, and after twenty minutes of staring at her laptop screen she sighs and closes it. 

“Lena?” 

Lena hums in response, not taking her eyes away from the article she is reading. 

“Can we, umm, talk about something?”

This catches Lena's attention. 

“Are you finally going to tell me what was bothering you all morning?”

Kara looks down. She nods, slowly. 

Lena closes her laptop.

“Come here”

Kara moves from her place on the other side of the table and takes the chair next to Lena. 

“It’s about the other timeline” 

Lena nods at her, encouragingly. 

“On my first day in this reality I did some research, and I saw an article about umm, you buying a ring? I didn’t think much of it but then Alex said something about a ring incident, and Nia mentioned something similar, so I was just wondering what was it all about” 

Lena’s expression is hard to read. 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she says quickly. “I’m just curious, I guess? and a little confused. But I’m totally fine with leaving the past in the past” 

Lena puts a hand on her knee to stop her from any more rambling. 

“No. It’s okay. We can talk about it. We should probably talk about it. It’s sooner than I planned to do this, but since it’s already out there…”

She takes a deep breath. 

“A couple of months ago, I was planning to propose. I even went and found the perfect ring, but… there was a picture of me ring shopping online the next day, and you saw it and you started acting really weird. You didn’t say anything at first, but I knew it’s about the picture, and I started having all these doubts” 

Lena closes her eyes for a moment, collecting her thoughts and Kara is already dreading what comes next. 

“Then I overheard you and Alex talking about it. You were trying to figure out how to tell me you didn’t want the ring, and of course, I thought that means you didn't want to marry me, and I walked away before you noticed me. I went to return the ring, and I tried to convince myself that It’s okay, that we don't have to get married, that It doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want to be with me, but eventually I snapped. We had a horrible fight, and I thought… I went back to my place that night, and we didn’t talk for days, and we were both so miserable”

Lena’s voice breaks and Kara puts a reassuring hand on her arm. 

“Thankfully Alex and Nia manages to trick us to finally talk, and you told me the real reason you didn’t want a ring”

“Oh”

Kara’s heart beats loudly in her chest. She thinks she knows what the real reason is. She thinks she knew it ever since she first saw that gossip headline. 

“You said you never felt really connected to the way we do wedding ceremonies on earth, and how you always thought you would get married according to the Kryptonian tradition. And then you explained how on Krypton, instead of rings, the couple exchange bracelets that symbolize the bond between their houses” 

Lena interprets her silence as Kara freaking out. 

“Look, I’m not expecting us to start right where we left off. I don’t want that. I want a chance to build something real with you. Let’s take it one day at a time, okay?” 

Kara kisses her in response. She should probably be more freaked out about this. But she didn’t feel so sure of anything in her life since she put on the cape for the first time. Having Lena in her life always felt right. 

It’s a little early to talk about forever, (She should probably take Lena on a first date first), but Kara can’t stop her mind from wandering. She pictures Lena in a traditional Kryptonian dress, waiting for her under the open sky. Lena with Kara’s crest on her wrist and that beautiful smile she saves just for her.  _ Someday _ her heart sings, and it sounds like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an epilogue after this one.  
> Can you believe we got to the end of this story? 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/)


	10. Epilogue

Things are perfect until they are not. 

At first, it’s just a feeling, a nagging thought at the back of Lena’s mind. _Kara is hiding something from her._ It’s not an evidence-based feeling, just a hunch, something in the way Kara looks at her sometimes when she thinks she isn’t paying attention that alerts the more paranoid parts of Lena’s brain. Lena doesn’t think much of it in the beginning, she places the feeling in a new box, does her best not to open it for more than the mandatory few seconds every night, and for a while, it does the job. But slowly, things start piling up, and the thought becomes harder and harder to ignore. 

First, there are the secret conversations with Alex that stops as soon as Lena enters the room. It probably doesn’t mean anything. Just a couple of private moments between sisters. But Lena still remembers the way Alex looked at her before the antimatter wave hit, eyes hard and full of distrust, and it makes her stomach flip. 

Then Kara cancels their dinner plans for a Supergirl emergency she is pretty sure was just an excuse to run away (Dreamer handles most of the simple street fights these days) and doesn’t come back home until the sun is almost up. Kara’s warm, calming hands are wrapped around her as she whispers apologies in Lena’s ears, and Lena’s body finally gives in to sleep. 

When Kara shows up to their rescheduled date, she is wearing a beautiful red dress and a slightly nervous smile, and it looks like she wants to tell Lena something important, but they get interrupted before she manages to get the words out.

Lena doesn’t know what to make of it. Andrea says she is overreacting. Her therapist says something about the importance of open, honest communication. But If she talks to Kara, all her fears might become real, and Lena rather live in denial for a little while longer. 

(Some days she is still afraid to wake up and find this was all a dream).

_ 

She didn’t have the easiest few months. After Lex was arrested, Lena found herself back at square one, trying to make sure all the time and hard work she poured into L-Corp won’t go to waste and prove the world she is more than her last name. But unlike the first time, she wasn’t doing it alone. Kara was there every step of the way, supporting and encouraging and making Lena’s days better with her smile and her laugh and the endless supply of Lena’s favorite food.

At first, Lena savored every single date and kiss and movie night. She kept them all in special boxes on the top shelf of her closet, every time she woke up to the sound of Kara flying through the window, every quiet love confession and lazy morning in bed. But as time pass, and this became her new normal, Lena started to get used to it. She let her guard down, let herself be lulled into a false state of security, and now, Kara is going to inevitably decide she isn't enough, and it’s too late to shield herself from the heartbreak. 

There is a tiny stubborn part of her that still hopes. Because Kara still looks at her with an adoring gaze, and she still shows up in her office with dinner and threats to take her home as soon as she starts yawning, and she still touches Lena like she is precious, like all she wants in life is to make her feel good, and Lena clings to her and lets herself believe. Maybe she misinterpreted things. Maybe she is overreacting. Maybe Kara doesn’t want to leave her. Maybe she has something else to say to her. Maybe she- no, she can’t go there, this road can only lead to disappointment. 

Why can’t she just let things be? She has everything she ever wanted, and it’s good. For once in her life, why can’t she just let herself have it? If Kara is going to dump her tomorrow, she doesn't want to spend today dreading it. She wants to hold on to it for as long as she can. She wants to imprint Kara’s name into her skin and add as many moments as she can to her collection. She is not going to leave. She is going to stay on Kara’s side for as long as she is willing to have her. _Pathetic._

She should really talk to Kara. She can’t go on like this for much longer. It makes her miserable. It turns her into a version of herself she doesn’t like. Desperate. Needy. Vulnerable. But she barely saw Kara for the past few weeks, not intentionally, Lena doesn’t think so. It’s not like she is avoiding her, and she can only hope the same is true for Kara, but with the DEO still adjusting to the change in leadership, the crime rate in the city is increasing, not to mention the new wave of The Children of Liberty, and both Supergirl and Kara Danvers have their hands full. Lena herself is pulling even more late hours than usual, trying to get her company to where it was before Lex interfered, and most of their interaction happens late at night, where there is no room for much talking. 

And if the week after that is a little slower, and Lena still doesn’t say anything, can you really blame her?

They are having lunch at Lena’s office when she catches that look on Kara’s face again, and suddenly, she isn’t hungry anymore. She can feel the doubt creeping in again, can feel it bubbling under her skin, begging for her attention, and Lena can’t do it now, she doesn’t want to ruin what had started as a pleasant meal, but Kara notices immediately that something is wrong. She looks at Lena’s barely eaten Burger with an open concern and lays a hand on Lena’s forehead, where a headache is already forming and asks her if she is feeling well. Lena lets out a quiet sob. Kara’s fingers start to slowly massage her temple, and there is a slight panic in her voice when she asks her what’s wrong. 

_Don’t say anything, don’t say anything, don’t say anything._

“I can't do this anymore” 

_Traitor._

“Can’t do what?” Kara asks, confused, and her voice trembles a little. 

“I know you are hiding something from me” 

And if Lena had any doubts before, the way Kara stumbles on her words tells her everything she needs to know. 

“What? no. What makes you think that?” 

“Don’t” It comes out harsh, and it startles Kara a little. 

“Don’t lie to me.” 

For a moment Kara looks like she just got punch to the gut with a kryptonite fist, but then understanding seems to dawn on her, and her expression turns incredibly soft. 

“Oh, no, Lena. I’m so sorry, I didn’t think- It’s nothing bad, I promise”

It doesn’t really help Lena feel better. If anything, it only confirmed that kara has been lying to her. But if it’s nothing bad…hope starts to bloom dangerously inside her chest. 

“So you are not going to leave me?” Lena hates how young she sounds to her own ears. 

“Leave you?” Kara is taken aback by that ”I would never- why would you- is that why you’ve been acting weird lately? you thought I’m going to break up with you?”

Lena doesn’t answer, her eyes are glued to the fingers she is twisting in her lap. Kara stops the motion by wrapping Lena’s palms with both of her hands until finally, Lena finds the courage to look up.

The love in Kara’s eyes makes Lena’s heart melt. 

“Don’t you get it? I love you. I’m not going anywhere. ” 

There is still something heavy on Lena’s chest, and the kiss she pulls Kara into is a little bit desperate, fingers pressing into Kara’s skin as if it's going to be enough to make her stay. When she finally lets her go, Kara's hair is a mess, and her eyes are staring as Lena with a new kind of intensity. 

“I know I’ve been keeping secrets lately,” she says quietly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Lena’s ear. “And I know it’s a sore spot for you, but you can’t shut me out and assume the worst every time something like this happens. You have to talk to me, okay?” 

Lena nods slowly. 

"Let's talk then" the words come out colder than she intended, and she curses herself internally. She closes her eyes for a moment, willing herself to get it together.

"You are hiding things from me, why?" 

"I-" Kara seems at a loss of words. “I'm- I’m such an idiot” she blurts out eventually. 

Her face is slightly pink, and she is smiling at Lena nervously, and Lena is having a hard time remembering why she is mad at her. 

“I wanted to surprise you,” Kara says softly, and Lena's thoughts wander into dangerous territory. 

“I wanted it to be special, and things kept getting in the way and now I realize how ridiculous it was. I wasted so much time, and I made you doubt our relationship, and I should have just asked you the second I got the bracelet-”

Kara’s eyes turn comically wide when she realized what she just said. 

Lena can barely hear her thoughts through the sound of her racing heart. 

“Kara… are you saying what I think you are saying?” 

A wise smile spreads on Kara’s face. 

“Close your eyes” 

“What?’

Lena can see determination taking over Kara’s face. 

“If I’m going to do it now, I want to do it right. Close your eyes” 

Lena obeys. She feels a hush of wind on her skin and hears pieces of furniture moving as Kara races around the room at an inhuman speed. When she opens her eyes, barely a minute later, the coach and coffee table had been pushed aside, and a picnic blanket is spread on the floor. Kara placed their take out bags on top, alongside a bottle of champagne and two glass. There is music playing in the background, and Kara is waiting for her on the other side of the room with a small box in her hand.

“Come here”

She took off her glasses, and a big smile covers most of her face, and Lena’s heart screams yes yes yes. 

_

  
The first time Kara almost asks Lena to marry her, the are lying on the floor of their new apartment. They spent the day unpacking boxes and finding the perfect place for their combined art collection, but there was a misunderstanding with the delivery of their bed, which leaves them with nothing to sleep on tonight. Lena used her most intimidating boardroom voice when she speaks with the store manager, but it’s already late, and there is nothing to do about it now. Kara entertains the idea of flying to get the bed herself (The company said they are allowed to use their own delivery service after all), but it might be a little hard to explain why does Supergirl moonlights as a delivery girl. They end up tangled in each other on the floor, the bed long forgotten for a pile of cushions and soft blankets and the comfort of skin to skin. And maybe Kara doesn’t care where she is going to sleep if she has Lena by her side. She is always going to want Lena by her side. 

“Lena?” 

Lena opens her eyes and looks at her sleepily. 

“Yeah?” 

Kara is overcome by the sudden burst of feelings. Is it too soon to say anything? 

“Do you want another pillow? Or maybe I should go get Alex’s spare mattress? I don’t want you to be sore in the morning.”

Lena looks at her like she is the sweetest, dumbest person in the world. 

“I’m pretty comfortable where I am” 

She is currently snuggled against Kara’s side, her head lays on Kara’s chest. 

Kara’s can feel her heart expanding.

She presses a kiss to Lena’s hair 

“Okay. Love you. Good night”. 

_One big step at a time._

_

The next time she almost asks Lena to marry her, she takes her to Argo. Her mother gave her her blessing and her wedding bracelet, and Kara takes Lena to what used to be her favorite spot as a kid. A place to sit and watch the stars around them. And it’s absolutely perfect. Lena wears a simple, red Kryptonian robe, and her eyes sparkle when she listens to Kara talks about the different planets she visited, and the bracelet is heavy in Kara’s dress pocket. 

She has her whole speech ready, but she only manages to form one syllable before something big is passing over their heads at full speed and crashes on the ground behind them. Instinctively, Kara holds Lena close to her. Carefully, they get up to explore the object. It’s a pod. The girl inside can’t be more than three years old. 

They take her to Alura. It takes some time to get her to talk, and a little more to understand what language she is speaking, but soon it becomes clear she is all alone in the world. They set up a bed for her in Kara’s old room, and Alura promise to find her a home, but Kara is reluctant to leave her there. She feels an unexplainable pull toward her, and when the girl falls asleep, still holding onto Kara’s hand, she and Lena exchange a meaningful look. 

It’s not like they can take her home, right? they didn’t even have the kids talk yet, and Rao, they should probably have the kids talk sometime before she gives Lena the bracelet. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be a mother. But their lives had been absolutely crazy in the past few years. And they are still figuring out who they are, as a couple and as individuals. It’s too soon to bring another person into it. But for some reason, she feels like this little girl is already family. 

She calls Alex. 

_

The look on Alex’s face when she sees Adora for the first time is the softest Kara had ever seen on her. Beside her, Kelly’s eyes shine with tears, and she kneels until she is looking at her new daughter at an eye level.

“Hi, I’m Kelly, what is your name?”

She says it in the girl’s native language, and though the accent isn’t perfect, Adora seems to understand her.

She looks back at Lena as if to check if this is okay, and when she nods she turns back to answer Kelly shyly. 

“What a beautiful name” Adora glances at Alex curiously and Kelly tells her- 

“This is Alex

The girl repeats the name and Alex melts into a puddle on the floor. 

They take her home. 

_ 

“They looked happy,” Lena says when they get home. 

“Yeah, they did” There is a melancholic expression on Kara’s face. 

“What is it then?”

Kara bites her lip. “I know she got the best moms in the world and the coolest aunts in the entire multiverse” Lena laughs to that, “but for a moment there I thought…”

“That you should take her home with you?” 

Kara nods. 

“Am I doing to her what Clark did to me?” she looks at Lena’s helplessly, “Just handing her over for other people to deal with?”

“No.” Lena says softly “Just because you are the one who found her, doesn’t mean you are the best person to take care of her. You found her the best home in the entire galaxy, and you are going to watch her grow up and be there for her for everything she needs. That’s more than enough.”

Kara still seems unconvinced, and Lena snuggles into her side until her body relaxes and she wraps one arm around her. 

“You know...“ Lena whispers “there was a little part of me that really wanted to take this little girl home too.” 

_

The third time she is trying to ask Lena to marry her, she is planning a romantic dinner. But, well, she leaves the oven on for what was supposed to be a quick rescue, and when she comes back their dinner is ruined and the whole apartment has a lingering smell of smoke. She can still take Lena out for dinner, but she had the whole thing planned out in her head, with candles and romantic music and Lena’s favorite wine, and she isn’t ready to give up on that idea just yet. She opens all the windows and texts Lena she is going to have to reschedule their date, and then spends the night flying around the city, trying to cheer up her mood with good old car chases and some punching. 

_

The fourth time, there really is an emergency. Everything turns out perfectly in the beginning, Lena is in a really good mood, and she is relaxed and happy and Kara almost blurts out her whole speech while they are halfway through the main course. She should have probably done that because just when they are taking their dessert plates to the balcony, Alex’s voice sounds in her earpiece. She knows Kara is planning to propose tonight, so it must be an emergency and Kara lets out a frustrated groan and promises Lena she would be back soon. 

Soon turns out to be much much later that night. The house is quiet when she comes in, and she can tell Lena is awake but her eyes are closed and she doesn’t acknowledge Kara’s presence. She spends the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and from the sound of Lena’s heartbeats, Kara knows neither of them is getting any sleep. 

_

The fifth time is a mess, but Kara wouldn't change a thing about it. Not when it ends with them tangled together on the couch, and Kara’s bracelet shining on Lena’s left wrist. 

_

The bracelet feels heavy on Lena’s wrist. There is something comforting about it, like a constant reminder for Kara’s love. The house of El symbol is carved into the silver, but there is another engraving next to it that looks like a new addition.

“D, for Danvers?”

Kara nods, smiling bashfully. 

“I wanted something that represents both parts of me” 

“I love it. I love you” Lena doesn’t bother to wipe out her tears. 

Kara’s eyes are just as wet when she kisses her. 

_

“You know, your wrist seems a little lonely from here” 

Lena is pressing tiny kisses into Kara’s bare shoulder when she says it, so Kara only hums a little in response and Lena clarifies- 

“The tradition says that both partners need to wear a bracelet, right?”

_Oh._

“Yes. But that was back on Krypton” she turns to Lena. “I know your family doesn’t have a crest or anything like that, so we would have to steer a little from tradition here. I guess I can find a bracelet I like and engrave your initials into it?” 

A pleased look spreads on Lena’s face. 

“What if I have something better?” 

Wordlessly, Lena gets up to open her safe, and takes out an ancient-looking jewelry box. Inside lays a thin silver bracelet, with a beautiful white Gemstone in the middle. 

“It’s my birthstone,” Lena says. “It’s one of the only things I have from my birth mother.”

“You want me to have it?”

Kara’s throat is choked with emotions. 

“I can’t think of a better place for it” 

The tears in Lena’s eyes are definitely tears of happiness.

“Can I-?”

She glances between the bracelet and Kara’s wrist.

“Yes” 

It fits perfectly.

_

The ceremony is small. There is plenty of space to dance on their penthouse balcony and a full liquor cabinet for their guests, and in the safety of their closest circle, everyone can let their hair down and be themselves.

Lillian isn’t invited. Lena thought her absent would sting a little, with Kara having both Alura and Eliza to walk her down the aisle, but the house is full with people who are invested in her happiness, Andrea and Sam and Ruby, Alex and Kelly and their sweet little girl, Brainy and Nia, Winn and J'onn. James hugs her warmly, his eyes genuine when he wishes her all the best, and even Clark shakes her hand and gives her his blessing. 

(Cat Grant graces them with her (fashionably late) presence, and she eyes Lena from head to toe before nodding approvingly). 

Neither of them wears white. Kara’s dress is inspired by Kryptonian robs. It’s the same shade of blue as her suit, with the house of El crest embroidered in silver on the top right.

Lena’s dress is a more modern adaptation, deep red and long with a generous cleavage.

They wait for sundown to exchange their vows. The Kryptonese words feel natural on Lena’s tongue after weeks of practice, and when she promises Kara her love and her trust and a never-ending supply of Potstickers, there is no dry eye left in the crowd. 

Kara promises to always stand up for her, echoing the words she said to her what seems like a lifetime ago, and Lena can’t believe they made it here. 

_

Kara is practically floating all evening. She never thought she could have this. Didn’t dare to dive deep and listen to her heart. But somehow she woke up in a whole new world and found everything she ever wanted just out of her reach, waiting for her to take a leap of fate.

And she did. 

They did. 

And now they are standing here together, matching bracelet shining on their wrists and the promise of forever lingers in the air between them. 

She has every intention to keep it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it 😊  
> I can’t believe this story has come to an end. When I started writing it all those months ago I had maybe three chapters in mind, and even that looked intimidating, and now I’m looking at the longest thing I’ve ever written and I’m a little emotional. 
> 
> Thank you for everyone who read and commented and subscribed. I honestly couldn’t have done that without your support 🥰
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://mayalice18.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Listen to the official fic playlist here- [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2HNOgwsImsq4v33PZ3kDWn?si=9uJO-HwmQPGtJvHXIj6mJw)


End file.
